A cardinal flying aimlessly, somewhere into the forbidden sky, bids me my final chance, once again to say goodbye. I stand here in this forgien land With my hands out by my sides I hold my breath and say it I finally say good night The misty air is reigning and the birds now sing no more i fall down out of terror hitting the earthy floor a bellow of the angry clouds sings in harmony with the rain never in my life have i seen such living pain I close my eyes to fake it reality seems surreal cant escape it this time without a fighting will a strike of lighting flashes as i wake up in my room

Why?

From the depths of my heart i cannot put into words what i am feeling tonight. broken doesnt even come close to the shape of my soul....needing maybe...but its so much more than that...guilty could sum up a mix of emotions...but still...it doesnt fully describe what im feeling. Thursday a sophomore at my high school took a curb to fast and ended up in critical condition. i prayed so many prayers and cried so many tears over his soul. i spent so much time worrying and wondering what would happen, how this would all end. my entire school met at the flagpole at the end of the day friday to send up a prayer for him and his family....because at the time the doctors basicly said there was no hope,that if he lived he would be brain dead for the rest of his life, this information came after an emergency brain surgery. the atmosphere of the school friday afternoon was heavy, lonely, missing something. friday quickly turned into saturday and good news came. he was breathing on his own! wow...god really heard our prayers....then at 1 saturday night sunday morning one of my best friends called me to inform me that he was gone. his unsaved soul has slipped away...and my unwillingness to share God with people is now eating away at me. why didnt i share?? why do i take so many people for granted? why? why did God give him those last few breaths of life...and then take him...? as weird as it sounds i know this is Gods will. i dont know how i know that, i dont even understand it..i just know. and even though im hurting more than words or tears can express...i want to help people get through this. i want to be a shoulder to cry on....i think i need that....i need God to use me in this...i need to know that i helped someone. i dont even know....somehow im finding the strenght to hold on to Jesus..maybe its because he is all i have that is promised to be here tomorrow....i was talking to my great grandma..."granny.." and she said something that will always be etched in my heart....she said..."live for today...pray for tomorrw"....hmmm....good idea...isnt it....pray for me..this family..and my school...pray for the unsaved in your school or work or wherever you are....and dont take anything for granted....

Awestruck

my heart is on the tip of my tounge. my thoughts dance around the words that should be used to describe my feelings tonight. we had a special youth group thing tonight and there were like four different churches there. to hear well over 300 youth singing together praises to the same God...to see that many hands lifted for the soul purpose of being in love w/ Jesus. remember the other day i had said i was tired of denominations? tonight, that barrier was broken, 4 denominations met together and there was nothing holding any of us down. we all worshipped together and prayed...there were no strings attached...we are all just a bunch of youth madly in love with Jesus all trying to make it in this world that is against us in every way. for the first time tonight my heart was at ease, i can hear God calling me to something big...something huge..something my mind cannot even fathom. for the first time tonight in a long time i just surrendered my heart. if you didnt know it today was See You At The Pole (high school students pray at their schools flagpole)...well, listening to others pray, a friend of mine was praying and she used a phrase that will forever remain etched in my heart, She said "God, just break us. break us so that we fall back into your arms. break us so that we NEED you God. break us so we need to feel that love. break us and then mend us God." yea, thats my prayer, along w/ reality i needed to face. sadly, god has to break us sometimes, because we get too caught up in whatever. tonight was amazing. this morning at the flagpole was amazing. God has surrounded me with so much that i take for granted. God has been echoing the word "simplicity" in my heart. think about it. simplicity, we make things so difficult sometimes. if we would add simplicity to situations, things could turn out so differently....if would simplfy religion...people would understand more and not be turned away...anyways im rambling, but i thought this would be a good place to pour my heart out....thank you jesus...i am so back in love with you again

i thought i would get on here and pour out the depths of my renewed heart once again. here lately my thoughts are depressing. thats not the real me shining through....i know in my mind that everything always works out for the better....sometimes it just takes longer than others. Sunday morning at church everyone kept asking me if i was alright....getting annoyed by the question i kept answering, "yes, i'm fine."...i got to thinking about it and the thought crossed my mind.."maybe im not fine..." i had decieved myself....convinced myself that im alright...what had happend was...i was starting to let go of God. why? i dont know. but all that matters is that he caught me falling, once again...and he grabbed my attention....i know satan is working on me hardcore...last night i was doing my devotionals and journling what i read. here lately that has seemed like a chore, but last night was just really good. while journaling, my pen just quit working....that just set me off...i dont know why but i just fell on my face and started crying....and praying....outloud just declaring that Jesus is in control...i told Satan that there is NO battle here because the battle has already been won....after i got done praying i started writing and my pen worked. the whole situation was symbolic in a sense....Satan didnt want me reading my bible or writing about it...ironicly enough my pen quit working....i prayed...and my pen worked....idk...sorry if that doesnt make sense to you. to me it just goes to prove that there is more of a spiritual world than what we are comfortable with believing.

Calstumi (youth group) was awesome tonight! we talked about "truth"....its a good topic...theres more to it than what pops into your mind...anyway..i just thought i would get on here and share with you another day in my amazing life. i had chinese food for dinner..thats always a good thing...it was delicious! yay for chinese food!...man, something thats been bothering me lately is that sometimes i can write and it will sound really good...and then there are times when regardless how hard i try...it sounds like crap...its like here lately its been crappy. maybe its because im tired..and between school, homework, and work its hard to make time for "writing"..idk...but anyway. it was cool to hang out with patsy again...its weird only seeing her once a week so when i do get to see her...i enjoy the time with her more..hmmm....i think thats it for tonight...the cat scan came back fine..they dont know why im in pain...owell..i'll be fine...goodnight

wow..im pretty tired tonight! i've been doing my devo's here lately! im excited..like its a habbit to dig into God's word now. yesterday was really depressing day..i was for no reason upset about everything....but today has gone better. have to have a cat scan in the morning to find out whats wrong with my kidney. they dont know yet, they dont think its stones anymore....if you read this just be praying...oh yea, i leave for new york on December 23!! soooo excited!!...thnx for reading...

sometimes i wonder why in the world i keep fighting. here lately the thought has been racing through my mind about how easy it would be to just quit everything...stop the christian religion stuff...stop being good..stop everyting that comes to mind. but something stops me from stopping...i want to be strong...i really do..i just cant seem to always find the strength. i find my self wondering what is stopping me...and i know its God...i just cant figure out why he's stopping me...i know he loves me and all that but i cant stand to love myself at times...yet he still keeps me close to him...i dont get it. on top of that im getting so tired of denominations in christianity...CANT I JUST BE A CHRISTIAN??? cant i just love God...and follow his word? why am i so tied down by doctrines and (some) churches....the only church i feel free at is my youth group. there are no strings attached...we are just madly in love with Jesus. it seems that other churches i have gone to in the past are tied down by memorized prayers (more like chants in my opinion)...feelings...who is who within the church...im just tired of it. it makes me sick to think about. i know that satan is at work in my life hardcore right now...i know that satan is controlling some of my thoughts...actions..words...and im tired of it too...i want everything to be in God's hands again...i need it to be that way...i want to surrender this fight...and just give it to God...im tired of fighting.i. need a break...

battlefield...

School has started and for the most part has kicked into full gear. its not too bad this year. theres one thing...one thing that truly kills my heart. to see so many lost people the same building. to see how artificial smiles people are wearing. i see the pain in the eyes of the unexpected. and i can feel the pain of the lives that everyone knows about. my life, suddenly rushes to the end of the list of importance and i find myself praying for nameless faces, people i dont even know. i like it though. to find myself praying, as if it is a habbit, something i dont realize im doing...but even through praying for them...i still hurt for them. why cant i feel my own pain anymore? i find it easier to deal with everybody elses pain than my own. is that a good or bad thing? i'll let you decide. my school, alike many other schools, is a spiritual battlefield. at times its like i can almost hear satan laughing at "his fools"...i can just imagine the delight on his face every time someone curses, or gets drunk...has sex, pops pills, slits their wrist, fights, smokes...this is exactly where satan wants our schools today. and as i feel like i can see the delight of satan, i can feel the pain of Jesus...i wipe his tears from my face daily...as i know what eterenity holds for these people...and it scares me...i know..so why dont i help? we need a revolution!! im not kidding. a revolution of people that will stand up and scream from the top of their lungs that Jesus is life, that everything of the world is just that..of the world..and when we all leave here..it will still be that..of the world...i dont know...its easy for me to say this...why cant i just start a revolution?...for some reason that is how we think...im not going to do it..surely somebody else will...yea...lets just sit and wait and see what happens..or not...im tired of sitting on the sidelines of the battlefield...im going in full force~

Earlier this summer i went on a missions trip to ny i. last night all of us on the trip went to church for the evening service to talk about the trip some. the service was just for us and two other groups to share what has happend this summer. one of the groups happend to be the Beikert (sp?) family...they went to germany and france for a month at the begining of the summer. the family consists of three kids and their parents. they used their vacation as more of a missions trip. they sang at churches, i think their dad may have preached a few times...anyway they all got up and shared. and then they had a video that they showed us...watching them on their trip brought tears to my eyes. hearing all of their talents blend together, and then to realize that they are a family. to see them all love God together, and to see them love each other. i dont know. i have a family life very different from that. and it sometimes kills parts of me to watch other families...knowing that i will never have that. im glad that some kids get to expierance having a whole family...but gelousy seems to kick in uncontrolably..and i would do anything to take their place. i would give the world to go back and time and have my parents still together..to know what its like to go through these "teen years"...having my mom and dad beside each other to help me through..i dont understand why God works this way...why some people grow up in "perfect" homes..and then there are some that have to work hard for their faith.. if you are reading this and your family is still together...then im asking you to realize how lucky you are...and begging you not to take it for advantage...sorry if i offended anyone...my heart is just at wits end...i get tired of living this way sometimes... wow..i feel better since i got a chance to vent ....

I took a walk around midnight several nights ago. It was nice outside, the air was crisp and cool. The walk was refreshing, something I had needed for a while. I saw beauty that had been long awaiting my attention. The cool breeze against my face was soothing, all the night had to offer. The warm pavement beneath my bare feet was calming, all that remained from the hot summers day. The quietness that was offered by the time of night was well needed. A good time for me to clear my thoughts, to reflect on things that have happend this summer, and better yet i focused on things to come. I'm going back to New York! I got a chance to let that really soak in and inhabbit an area of my heart. I'm actually goint to spend Christmas with a family that hardly even knows me!! And not only do i want to be there, but i am wanted there! I can't wait. i'm soo giddy about it..but anyways..my point in this post was to say that i had a really good walk the other night :)

Untitled

Depression gets the best of him He's gotten in too deep Wrap your arms around your son And let him know he's not too weak Be the strength he needs As this world watches him fade Make his broken heart whole again As he falls to his knees to pray Divorce has torn her heart apart And only you can make it whole The pain she feels she tries to hide Deep within her soul Be the strength she needs As this world watches her fade Make her broken heart whole again As she falls to her knees to pray I am your humbled child Crying to you a prayer of tears Thank you God for being here Through all these broken years Be the strength I need As this world watches me fade Make my broken heart whole again As I fall to my knees to pray

i am drawn to places where there is hurt. my heart longs to be in the middle of conflict...where im not just sitting and watching but engaging in what is going on around me. I love the lost. I've been told im wrong for that, for loving people who dont have the slightest clue how much they are loved. i am soft hearted. i find myself crying sometimes just thinking of somebody that i know is going through a hard time...i often wonder why i am this way...my tender heartedness gets in the way sometimes...and yet there are times that i love being the way i am...i dont know..i know i am rambling this time...really quick...if you are reading this please leave a comment...

The long battle continues yet a day longer. Losing my strength, I keep fighting. I hear God’s trembling voice in my mind asking me, “If you don’t fight for me, then who will?” So for this I continue on. I look into the eyes of the enemies; hatred is consuming their very being. A flaming arrow is shot directly at my heart. A sudden sensation of agony takes over my body. I can’t move or even breathe. I look down to see that the arrow has gone directly into my chest. I wasn’t wearing my breastplate. I get up to continue fighting, the pain taking my every breath away. I look behind me to see to see a foreign object flying at me. Everything quickly flashes black, and I find myself lying on the ground. How much time has gone by? I open my eyes and the sun has gone down. The sound of the battle has seized. I sit up slowly, placing my hand on my head to find dried blood. I must not have been wearing my helmet. I look down at my chest to see half a broken arrow still there. I want badly to just give up, but again I hear God’s broken voice speaking to me, “You must keep fighting, I’m counting on you My Child.” I stand to find that the battle has not ended, just moved to another area. I begin to walk the journey to the new battle site when I look down and see that my foot is bleeding. I wasn’t wearing my boots. I wasn’t at all prepared for a battle like this. I sneak up on the enemy, and as I get close I pray a quick prayer, “God, I have no strength left, the pain I am in is more than I can handle. I have no reason other than you to keep fighting. You are my refuge and my strength. I give this battle to you, it’s too much for me to handle on my own.” I go into battle once again. I was more tired than before, and wanted nothing more than to just lay down my sword at the feet of Jesus and give up. But as I have already said, I felt as though I was in this battle for a reason. I turn my head this time to see another flaming arrow directed with exact precision at my heart. I quickly pull up my shield and am not harmed. I lift my eyes to see something else flying at my head, I duck, and the object misses me. Once again I am not harmed. I walk out of the battle this time with no new injuries. I find a safe place to sleep and I rest there for the remainder of the night. As I lay there awake unsure of the date or time, I allow my mind to reflect on the day. I pull out of my pocket a piece of paper and I just happened to have a pen too. This is what I wrote: Today was the longest day of my life. I shouldn’t even be alive after all the attacks I’ve seen and been a part of. I tried to fight a losing battle on my own. I found that there was a problem in the way I was fighting. It wasn’t that I was fighting a losing battle, but that I was fighting alone. I asked God to be my strength, I allowed him to move in and he provided for me the protection I needed. I truly was fighting a losing battle until I stopped fighting alone. Hey, that was really random but I just started typing and wa-la..i have written yet another short story..real quick.behind the story: The story is just portraying the fact that we enter a spiritual battle every day and aren’t prepared for it. I myself go into the battle every day…and don’t always let God help me. Sometimes we see attacks coming and do nothing to stop them. So yea…think about it and you’ll catch on…

man. i had to work tonight. it wasnt too bad, it just seems to take a lot out of me on Wed. nights. i hate missing Calstumi (youth group)...it just makes the week ahead seem longer. this is the second wed. i've had to work. my first thought towards working tonight was ..."why do i try when God doesnt even want me at youth group..."..haha..i laugh at myself sometimes...after thinking it over..i decided that its not about where God doesnt want me but about where he wants me. for some reason he wanted me at the west mansfield iga tonight. i hope i fulfilled my purpose there.

tears of death

i got news today that i didnt want to hear. a woman that means the world to me passed away. she was older, old enough to be my great grandmother probably. oh i love her so much. her heart was still so young, her body old and tired. when i was little she always would go out of her way to make sure i could go to vbs in the summer, she would come over to my house just to tell me that she loves me. the last time i saw her was when she was in the nursing home. i was telling her about the missions trip i was going on to ny. she was so excited and interested, you would have thought she was the one going. she told me to come see her again, and as tears fell down her face she told me to come talk to her about it after i got home. she quickly said...dont wait to long because the dr.'s said i am going home. now i regret the fact that i never took an hour of my time to go tell her about my trip. an hour. thats all she wanted. i can be so stingy sometimes. i tell everyone how i love to go to nursing homes to visit with people, which i do love doing...but man..i cant go to see somebody that really means something to me. she loved me in times of my life that i didnt even know how to love myself. she has a huge part of why i am saved today. she was a part of my story..she planted in my heart that little seed that somebody else watered and helped grow. ouch.

fake smiles

have you ever looked into somebody. like look past what they are wearing, past the fact that maybe their hair doesnt look good, or for that matter you could never get your hair to do what theirs is doing....just look past everything society wants us to see...past makeup, look through smiles...have you ever really looked at a complete stranger before, and wondered what their day was like? wondered what they are facing at home? wonder if the makeup and name brand clothes are covering up brusies and pain..maybe its pain inside, pain nobody can see...maybe see a scar on somebody..and wonder what happend? complete strangers. why do i think of this stuff? while we were at the mall tonight i couldnt help but notice how many people walked around with frowns...and then how many walked around with smiles...but i saw the kind of smile that is just holding back a river of tears...know what im talking about? a smile that tries so hard not to let the faintest sign of pain shine through, but the pain just runs through the cracks of the smile. for some reason tonight i've thought so much about how people feel inside. how for some reason society tells us that hurting is weak...in all reality its normal...i think thats all i've got for tonight...theres more on my mind but i just cant seem to put it into words...hmm..yea..good bye

i think too much

for some reason i tend to analyze everything. not just things people say or do, but words even. i find myself breaking words down and at times looking up the meaning. i recently found that words amaze me. i love how a simple sentence can paint in our minds an entire story. hopefully what i am trying to say makes since. my youth group a while back talked about how our life is a predetermined story. its also a neat thought. but the other day i found myself analyzing the entire idea. can you imagine turning the page of your life. getting tired of whats going on and just turning the page so the next battle is at hand and the current one is past and forgotten. it would be nice. sometimes it would be nice to light the pages on fire. turn the white solid, to a black powdered ash. as i was thinking about all of these i also thought: ....why are we in a hury to complete in a week what God intended to last for a year? as someone who loves to write i would be very bitter towards someone that wanted to change every thing i've ever written. criticism is good but the thought of changing all my ideas just turns something within me and it just doesnt go over very well. what i want to know though, is why im in such a hurry to always change what God has written for me. i hope this made since, if not then i dont know...

tears

things have been crazy here lately. im at moms for a week, i get used to being there and i go to my dads for a week, i get used to being there and im back at moms...it sucks that when school starts i will only see mom 4 days a month. hoepfully that wont take too much out of me. it seems sometimes that out of me and my two sibblings im the only one that even attemtps to love both parents. they both have their faults, but they are our parents. my sister wont even talk to my dad, and my brother, well he comes to visit when he feels like it. sometimes i get so tired of fighting a losing battle...fighting for a lost cause, i dont even know what im fighting for anymore. in the midst of everything going on my heart seems to become weak, and my mind controls my thoughts,and my heart has the littlest say so in what goes on in my life. i dont like that at all. i dont know, i feel like im rambling today so im going to go.

what am i in for?

I get so tired of the same old feeling. the lump in my throat that chokes every thought, every word that exits my mouth. the feeling of unimportance...but at the same time knowing im needed...i get so tired of always being "fine" every time im asked..i get tired of nobody caring to see that everythings not always fine. but in the midst of all of this..i somehow manage to always find comfort in the unseen. by the end of every day i end up limp in my saviors arms...helpless..but somehow strong...weak but somehow brave. i get tired of the same old feelings but i love the comfort of being held in the arms of someone so powerful..so strong..so loving..so....everything....even in the hardest times when i have no idea why im even here..or why im going through what i am..i cant help but continue to fall in love with God in new ways...i was thinking the other day and this came to me without going through test without what kind of testimonies would we have? its something to really think on..anyway..im going to go...

a true masterpiece

I watched the sun set tonight. it was astonashing. the colors blended together...perfectly. what i saw tonight could not have been painted in a picture, or written about..simply because there was not a single flaw in the piece of artwork in the sky..and every artist has flaws. the way the sun peaked through the clouds, very shy, very suttle. it was calming. the sun rays seemed to go on for miles, reaching the ground somewhere. that is where i long to be, where the sun rays meet the ground. such a peaceful place, where the beauty is so unique, one could not find the words to describe the land. in the sky i saw birds flying free, bound by nothing. flying in the gleaming streaks of light reflected off of the sun, flying delicatly, as if nothing in the world mattered to them, nothing other than the fact that they were free. they enjoyed being what God had created them to be. i find myself reflecting on this sunset, wondering why little things like this don't catch my attention very often. i seem to get caught up in daily life, in my own struggles, to even notice God's beauty. I think God paints the sunset like he does to show us that we too, are free indeed. God reigns and his beauty surrounds us, we just need to take the time to look around, dont look to hard though, or you will miss it.