Thursday, February 22
The wind was bitter that day, unpleasant and unwelcoming. As I stepped outside to start my car, the cold cut through my coat and I felt as though it were taking the breath from my lungs. I jog the seven or eight feet to my car from the back door of my house. I quickly slide the ice cold metal key into the ignition with trembling hands. My car, hesitantly starts. It is not fond of such temperatures either. I make my way back inside, wishing it were warmer than it was in the house. In a rush to leave on time, I plug my hair straightener in, and run upstairs to change from pajama's to clothes. Frustrated because the pants I wanted to wear weren't clean, I just throw on some jogging pants and a hoodie - appropriate for the way I felt that day, and for the weather. I fix my hair half heartedly and leave in a hurry, forgetting my lunch money on the table and not eating breakfast that had been made for me earlier that morning. As I pull out of my drive way I call the girl that I take to school most days. Frustrated because my cell phone didn't have much of a signal, I decide not to even bother calling. I hate having broken up conversations due to bad connection. I go through the school day, talking to friends and doing the same thing I do every day. After my long day at school, I head home, not even wanting to think about having to go to work. Doing dishes for four hours isn't exactly - fun. This is my attitude most days. God is teaching me though...that I am blessed beyond measure. Truly blessed. I am blessed to have a coat, to protect me from the cold. I am blessed to have a car, and a place to park it. I am blessed to have a house, that is well heated. I am blessed to have cosmetics and hair products. I am blessed to have enough clothes to have to decide what to wear. I am blessed to have lunch money. I am blessed to have breakfast made for me...after all..i'm 18 years old. I am blessed to have a cell phone. I am blessed to have a wonderful education. I am blessed to have people that I can call friends. I am blessed to have a place to call home. I am blessed to have a job! Somtimes it is easy to overlook little blessings. Thank you Jesus!!
Wednesday, February 21
I feel sort of speechless tonight.... I want more of you Jesus Before I rise in the morning Let your praises fall off my lips And before I lie my head in the evening Let your glory fill my room Search me in my sleep Lord Jesus Purify my heart, And fill this hunger in my soul thats all i've got.
Tuesday, February 13
It was Feb. 12, 2000. I remember it well, in fact, I will never forget it. Mom left us. She just, up and left... I have always struggled with Valentine's Day, because for me it was just a sad time of year, it was a reminder that mom left...seeing my Dad in tears year after year...it never had that spark to it that most people see... This year though, things are so different for me. My life is changing and I love it. For the first year in seven years, I didn't even remember that mom left. When I looked at the date yesterday, it felt like there was something...but I figured that I just forgot an insignificant birthday or something of the sort...it completely escaped my mind..until Dad mentioned it tonight. After it being brought into conversation, I went upstairs to sit in my room just to think...and I am so excited. For once in my life, I am looking forward. I am looking at what is to come. I am so busy looking at my future that I didn't even think to look at the past. I have been praying..many hours in fact, for many weeks...that God would completely set me free from all the pain that has resided in my heart for years...I've been praying that God would separate me from painful situations and memories. Sunday night Pastor Mike asked me to come up for prayer and God said that I AM SET FREE FROM EVERYTHING!! I am so thankful. I realized tonight that I really have forgiven Mom...it honestly doesn't hurt me anymore. I have let that go, and I'm not taking it back! I am getting ready to graduate, I am getting ready to get married and start a family! And I am free!!!! Praise God!!! I love Ryan. I love that I have something to look forward to now. I love that he is always on my mind, even if I'm not on his...i love him calling me in the morning...its good to wake up to his voice....I praise God that I have an amazing life ahead of me...and that what I have dealt with is my past...and I don't have to carry it around anymore.... This is a change of pace...which I believe will do the heart some good....
Monday, January 22
I open the door in the kitchen, and a cold breeze takes away my breath. I quickly regain my senses, and gently set my bare foot outside the door. As my foot touches the ground, I bring it back up, due to the fact that there is snow on the ground. My foot now stinging from the cold, I close the door and walk towards the dining room. I sit down at the computer, assuming that I will some how use that to entertain myself, and get my mind off of the cold, bitter weather. As I sit there, a feeling of guilt consumes me. I slightly want to argue with myself, "Mandy, what is your problem?"...but instead, I follow that little nudge inside of me to go again, and look outside. This time though, I'm a bit smarter. I slip on a pair of pajama pants over the ones I'm already wearing. I go into my Dad's bedroom and get a pair of his old tube socks, and pull them up over my doubled pajama pants legs. I run quickly upstairs and grab a hoodie, put it on, slip on my coat and my snow boots, and I again, open the kitchen door. This time, the cold breeze hits my face, but doesn't take my breath. I was ready this time. I walk out into the yard, and look at the unharmed snow. Snow that had not yet been tampered with, no animals had yet walked in it, no children had yet stopped their way through it, and I just took in the beauty that layed before me. The night before, the same yard had just been a mixture of dead grass and mud, the best that Ohio has to offer around here this time of year. And now, just hours later, I could stand in awe of beauty that only comes a few months out of the year. I stop day dreaming, and realize how foolish I must look. Standing there in the outfit I was wearing. But this train of thought some how led me back to childhood, and for a few moments, I didn't have a care in the world. Before I tell you exactly what I did, maybe you should go get a drink of water, or maybe make sure your sitting down. Are you ready...here it is... I ran out in the middle of my untampered yard, and I threw myself down and made a snow angel! Quite content with myself, I brush the snow off of my body, and go back inside. I get warmed up as a few hours pass by, and I decide to go outside and see how my little angel is doing.. But to my disappointment, she was gone. The wind had blown snow over her, and all that was left was where her head had once layed. I honestly felt...sad...as funny as that may sound to you. I think all of this just goes to prove that when we let the child in us come out to play for a short time, we want to stay there. I would love for my biggest problem to be that my snow angel disappeared. Isn't it good to know though, that no matter what we go through, no matter how hard the wind blows the snow across the yard, God has his angels around us, and they don't blow away, and they don't get covered up? Its good to stop and think about. I also love how God gives us these moments to just relax, and enjoy what he has given us. To think that he makes rain fall from the sky, and out of that same sky, unique snow flakes fall as well. He truly is an amazing God.....and I love when he uses his creation to bring out the child in me....
Tuesday, January 16
We sat on the couch in his living room. He was sitting up and I was laying out, my head on his lap. I spread my worn body out on the couch as he put his arm over my back. We layed there together, soaking in a few hours of reality tv...one of the many pleasures of todays society. Durring commercials we talked about the future, our kids, our home, briefly discussed finances, mentioned a few plans about the wedding...things of the sort. Looking back on this, just a few hours later, I almost have to hold laughter inside. Not a heartless laughter, not even a "haha" laughter. But a school girl laughter. Why? Haha...here comes. I love being in his embrace. He has no idea how much I love laying there with his arm around me. It gives me a sense of security, a sense of comfort, and a sense of "I'm right here Mandy..and I'm all yours". Although I know all of that...I need it. Sometimes it's nice to just sit, and let life pass by, and enjoy little things like that. If you are reading this...enjoy your loved ones...sit still long enough for them to embrace you..or maybe you should be the one embracing somebody. Chances are you have no idea what it means to them...I dont think Ryan has the slightest clue what it means to me...God keeps showing me to charish the little things...because its the little things that will stay with us forever. This sounded kinda fortune cookie-ish...but i really dont care. My life is good enough to make it sound that way right now..and I'm going to take advantage of that.
Tuesday, December 12
I wish I could talk. I want to say it so bad, but not even the slightest sound will exit my mouth. The lump in my throat grows, as I sit there unsure of what I even want to say. Tears begin to fill up my eyes. My lack of words makes me angry. My emotions begin to run hay-wire. Then, as I would least expect, you put your arms around me. When I don't deserve it, you tell me that you're proud. You whisper into my ear that none of this is my fault. And it is at this time that the aching lump in my throat stops throbbing, the tears in my eyes moisten my face, and my knees begin to shake. Now as I lay here, trying to rest my worn body, one word rings endlessly in my mind. Freedom. As I inhale deeply, glad the day is through, this phrase puts my mind at ease. "He who the son sets free, is free indeed"
Tuesday, November 7
I found myself crying tonight. Crying alone. Crying ice cold tears that pierced through the silence of my room. I layed facedown on my bed, and started questioning God. Why is this happening to me, again? Why can't my family see what they are doing to me? Questions of the sort fell out of my mouth before they were processed through my mind. Before long, my words ceased, the tears quit falling, and I found myself listening. Being still. After a lot of thought, I realized that I wasn't sure why I was feeling the way that I did. I mean, yea, alot has been going on the past couple weeks, but I just felt like I was in a rut, and I couldnt climb out. The way I felt reminded me of when I was "depressed". I recognized it. Hmm..not going to happen again!! I started praying again...and somewhere between prayer, tears, and silence...God spoke to me. I so easily take my eyes off of him. It is so easy for me to sit and wallop in my own emotions. When emotions run hay-wire, so does our flesh! That is what God showed me tonight. When I let emotions, like tonight, over-run what my heart was saying, something is out of line. Example: I was talking to Ry and told him that I know I don't have to worry about money, i've been paying my tithes and I knew that God would be faithful. Before I went to bed tonight, God took care of my needs! Somebody gave me the exact amount that I needed, and told me not to pay them back. Now had I let my emotions get in the way of the person giving me that money, I would have denied their offer, because its "hard" for me to accept help from people. But, when pushing emotions aside, i knew that the money was from God, and that the person would be blessed in return *ry's mom taught me that...lol*...and i took the money thankfully. so tonight, i have been emotional, tired, humbled, and thankful! Our God is an Awesome God!! ***if your reading this feel free to comment ....if you dont have blogger you can still comment anonmyous...just type ur name in the comment so i know who you are*****