Why?

From the depths of my heart i cannot put into words what i am feeling tonight. broken doesnt even come close to the shape of my soul....needing maybe...but its so much more than that...guilty could sum up a mix of emotions...but still...it doesnt fully describe what im feeling. Thursday a sophomore at my high school took a curb to fast and ended up in critical condition. i prayed so many prayers and cried so many tears over his soul. i spent so much time worrying and wondering what would happen, how this would all end. my entire school met at the flagpole at the end of the day friday to send up a prayer for him and his family....because at the time the doctors basicly said there was no hope,that if he lived he would be brain dead for the rest of his life, this information came after an emergency brain surgery. the atmosphere of the school friday afternoon was heavy, lonely, missing something. friday quickly turned into saturday and good news came. he was breathing on his own! wow...god really heard our prayers....then at 1 saturday night sunday morning one of my best friends called me to inform me that he was gone. his unsaved soul has slipped away...and my unwillingness to share God with people is now eating away at me. why didnt i share?? why do i take so many people for granted? why? why did God give him those last few breaths of life...and then take him...? as weird as it sounds i know this is Gods will. i dont know how i know that, i dont even understand it..i just know. and even though im hurting more than words or tears can express...i want to help people get through this. i want to be a shoulder to cry on....i think i need that....i need God to use me in this...i need to know that i helped someone. i dont even know....somehow im finding the strenght to hold on to Jesus..maybe its because he is all i have that is promised to be here tomorrow....i was talking to my great grandma..."granny.." and she said something that will always be etched in my heart....she said..."live for today...pray for tomorrw"....hmmm....good idea...isnt it....pray for me..this family..and my school...pray for the unsaved in your school or work or wherever you are....and dont take anything for granted....

Awestruck

my heart is on the tip of my tounge. my thoughts dance around the words that should be used to describe my feelings tonight. we had a special youth group thing tonight and there were like four different churches there. to hear well over 300 youth singing together praises to the same God...to see that many hands lifted for the soul purpose of being in love w/ Jesus. remember the other day i had said i was tired of denominations? tonight, that barrier was broken, 4 denominations met together and there was nothing holding any of us down. we all worshipped together and prayed...there were no strings attached...we are all just a bunch of youth madly in love with Jesus all trying to make it in this world that is against us in every way. for the first time tonight my heart was at ease, i can hear God calling me to something big...something huge..something my mind cannot even fathom. for the first time tonight in a long time i just surrendered my heart. if you didnt know it today was See You At The Pole (high school students pray at their schools flagpole)...well, listening to others pray, a friend of mine was praying and she used a phrase that will forever remain etched in my heart, She said "God, just break us. break us so that we fall back into your arms. break us so that we NEED you God. break us so we need to feel that love. break us and then mend us God." yea, thats my prayer, along w/ reality i needed to face. sadly, god has to break us sometimes, because we get too caught up in whatever. tonight was amazing. this morning at the flagpole was amazing. God has surrounded me with so much that i take for granted. God has been echoing the word "simplicity" in my heart. think about it. simplicity, we make things so difficult sometimes. if we would add simplicity to situations, things could turn out so differently....if would simplfy religion...people would understand more and not be turned away...anyways im rambling, but i thought this would be a good place to pour my heart out....thank you jesus...i am so back in love with you again

i thought i would get on here and pour out the depths of my renewed heart once again. here lately my thoughts are depressing. thats not the real me shining through....i know in my mind that everything always works out for the better....sometimes it just takes longer than others. Sunday morning at church everyone kept asking me if i was alright....getting annoyed by the question i kept answering, "yes, i'm fine."...i got to thinking about it and the thought crossed my mind.."maybe im not fine..." i had decieved myself....convinced myself that im alright...what had happend was...i was starting to let go of God. why? i dont know. but all that matters is that he caught me falling, once again...and he grabbed my attention....i know satan is working on me hardcore...last night i was doing my devotionals and journling what i read. here lately that has seemed like a chore, but last night was just really good. while journaling, my pen just quit working....that just set me off...i dont know why but i just fell on my face and started crying....and praying....outloud just declaring that Jesus is in control...i told Satan that there is NO battle here because the battle has already been won....after i got done praying i started writing and my pen worked. the whole situation was symbolic in a sense....Satan didnt want me reading my bible or writing about it...ironicly enough my pen quit working....i prayed...and my pen worked....idk...sorry if that doesnt make sense to you. to me it just goes to prove that there is more of a spiritual world than what we are comfortable with believing.

Calstumi (youth group) was awesome tonight! we talked about "truth"....its a good topic...theres more to it than what pops into your mind...anyway..i just thought i would get on here and share with you another day in my amazing life. i had chinese food for dinner..thats always a good thing...it was delicious! yay for chinese food!...man, something thats been bothering me lately is that sometimes i can write and it will sound really good...and then there are times when regardless how hard i try...it sounds like crap...its like here lately its been crappy. maybe its because im tired..and between school, homework, and work its hard to make time for "writing"..idk...but anyway. it was cool to hang out with patsy again...its weird only seeing her once a week so when i do get to see her...i enjoy the time with her more..hmmm....i think thats it for tonight...the cat scan came back fine..they dont know why im in pain...owell..i'll be fine...goodnight

wow..im pretty tired tonight! i've been doing my devo's here lately! im excited..like its a habbit to dig into God's word now. yesterday was really depressing day..i was for no reason upset about everything....but today has gone better. have to have a cat scan in the morning to find out whats wrong with my kidney. they dont know yet, they dont think its stones anymore....if you read this just be praying...oh yea, i leave for new york on December 23!! soooo excited!!...thnx for reading...

sometimes i wonder why in the world i keep fighting. here lately the thought has been racing through my mind about how easy it would be to just quit everything...stop the christian religion stuff...stop being good..stop everyting that comes to mind. but something stops me from stopping...i want to be strong...i really do..i just cant seem to always find the strength. i find my self wondering what is stopping me...and i know its God...i just cant figure out why he's stopping me...i know he loves me and all that but i cant stand to love myself at times...yet he still keeps me close to him...i dont get it. on top of that im getting so tired of denominations in christianity...CANT I JUST BE A CHRISTIAN??? cant i just love God...and follow his word? why am i so tied down by doctrines and (some) churches....the only church i feel free at is my youth group. there are no strings attached...we are just madly in love with Jesus. it seems that other churches i have gone to in the past are tied down by memorized prayers (more like chants in my opinion)...feelings...who is who within the church...im just tired of it. it makes me sick to think about. i know that satan is at work in my life hardcore right now...i know that satan is controlling some of my thoughts...actions..words...and im tired of it too...i want everything to be in God's hands again...i need it to be that way...i want to surrender this fight...and just give it to God...im tired of fighting.i. need a break...