My Jesus...

I grip the whip With sweaty hands And permit the bit To belt you back I turn my head And curse your name Then I ask them Whose to blame? A perfect lamb born to die am i the reason you gave your life? My sins condemed you but with love you died im sorry i hurt you my jesus, you saved my life

My Inner Child Came Out To Play...

I shared a very long awaited trip to park with my little brother today. He is 2 years old, what an amazing age. Before the park...I explained to him how Jesus is in his heart. I don't even recall how this conversation came into play, but this is how it went.... "Sissy....Jesus got hurt on the cross...where did he go?" "He's in your heart buddy"...lifting his shirt....he starts crying, "I dont see him sissy" Now I haven't the slightest clue how I came up with this upcoming explanation..but I must admit that I was proud of myself. I placed his hand over my heart...so he could feel my heart beat. Then I placed his hand on his own heart, so he could feel his heart beat. "brendon, do you feel that? what is your heart saying?" "I feel it sissy...(starting to lose interest)...my heart says...buh bum buh bum..." "That's jesus!" I told him. He looked at me, and without skipping a beat...he was like..."is jesus trying to get out?" Holding back laughter, I thought I would try a differant approach....I let him feel my heart beat again, asked him what my heart was saying....he replied "buh bum...buh bum..buh bum..." I told him, "Brendon, thats Jesus saying...I-love-you-mandy (i said it in the rythem of a heart beat)....and i put his hand back on his heart...and whispered to him "i-love-you-bren-don".... now you may have a pre-concieved idea that children are children, that they dont understand God or spirituality...allow me to be the first to share with you that in the past 2 years, Brendon has taught me more than any over-knowledged pastor or theologian could.... Brendon blew off my little Bible lesson with the earlier discussed trip to the park. he ran off to get his shoes, and we soon began on our adventure to the "green park" as he would call it....although the only thing green at the park is the grass...haha.... The last time he was at the park he had to go home early for telling the kids that it was his park and they all had to leave...he was being a little bully..i couldnt believe it..i'd never seen him act that way...but on the way there..i reminded him the rules of playing nicely, and making wise decisions. low and behold, we get to the park and after playing for about an hour..these two little snobby girls come down to the park. they pushed him away from the slide he'd been playing on, and they just stood there (mind you, these girls are ages 5 and 7)...he looked at me and said nothing...but his eyes were screaming..."what do i do sissy?"...i just let him go..to see how he would handle it after the talk we had on the way there....before i tell you what happend, i will admit that at the age 17, i would never have the guts to do what my 2 year old brother did. ....He stood there 3ft tall, and tapped on the little girls shoulder. she politely turned around and just looked at him....he put his hand on his heart and said..."Jesus is in my heart, and he says I love you" the girls left the park...but i couldnt believe that after they pushed him away from what he was doing...he just walks up and like its second nature....tells them about Jesus..and in the simplist way....i learned today that i complicate religion. while talking to people, i dance around the fact that jesus lives in my heart...and that my sins nailed him on the cross...and that he died for me...what happend to simple, "jesus died for my sins so i can go to heaven" christianity? i long for a child like spirit...God...give me whatever it is brendon has...give me a heart like that...

Familiar grounds

Why am i even hurting? nothing is wrong, nothing that i could point out at least.... i often scream this question aloud to...God...assuming that he hears me..assuming that he will in deed return my questions with an answer, but as i wait day after day..i hear nothing...and i find myself on familiar grounds...crying for no reason. and for me...tears dont just fall. there is a process. first, i convince myself that it is okay to show weakness for a few moments...then, as though tears would pierce through my heart...i have to let the first tear fall..and it always hurts. why does it hurt, you ask yourself? hmm..that, my friend, is a good question..one i would like to know the answer to. possibly because after the first falling puddle, hundreds pour down my burdened face like rain that has waited to long to fall...my heart is like a land suffering drout, and i have learned recently, that when it rains, it pours...but to complete the process of crying...after letting the first tear inch its way to the ground, another follows, as though gravity is forcing this liquid from my eyes...and until i gain composure, gravity tortures me...forcing the tears to fall quickly, lightly...and oh so painfully. this familiar ground is a place i like to be, for some reason. although my heart aches when i cry...the after effect is amazing. the feeling of 10,000 lbs. being lifted off my shoulders...who would have thought that tears could weigh so much? 10,000 lbs....hmm...i wonder what God was thinking when he created our ability to cry...is it suppose to hurt? should it really resemble weakness?? did he create it to be looked down on??? i am now at a loss for words...but my shoulders feel lighter...i just discovered that writing about crying is as effective as actually doing it...maybe its the words that weigh so much..and not the tears....