Pardon me, while I screw things up a bit...

Pardon me, I never meant to hurt you. What I thought was caring, You took as pain, When I thought I was helping, You talked behind my back. I'm hurt, But I'll get over it I always do. Please understand, That I'm here if you need me. I'll set myself up to get hurt again, For you. This time though, I'll keep my mouth shut. I won't tell secrets. In fact, I won't say what I think at all. That's when you hurt the most, When the truth hits you in the face. A punch in the face, A stab in the back... So many people effected by.... The truth.

where am i falling short? why does it still hurt? why cant i get this right? how am i so far behind?

Break Me, or I'm Useless. . .

I wish words would come to me as easily as they once did. Not very often do I get the chance to sit and journal all my thoughts. I have come to the conclusion, that maybe this isn't due to a lack of time, but due to way to many thoughts that words cannot be drawn for. I have recently sat with a pen in my hand, and in trying to find the perfect words to lay out what was on my mind, I found myself writing random words. No sentece formats, no commas in the correct places, nothing formal about it. It was then that I realized that I truly am scatter-brained, and that for my own good, I need to force myself to start writing again. So here goes. . .this is my heart at full speed, I'm not holding back this time. Jamiaca. Missions. Life. Love. Heartache. Why? Change. ...... Confusion. Mistakes. Sleeplessness. Selfishness. Shy? Denominations... Ryan. Marriage. Graduating. Stupidity. Self Worth. Brendon. Screaming. Crying. Kicking. Unfair. Divorce. Dating. Missing. Greg? Why. When? Not Good Enough. AIDS. Kids. Alone. Hunger. Pain. Bullies. Trying. Heartbreak. Heartache. Lost. Dying. Crying. Tears. Faith. Prayer. Family. Broken. Starving. Deprived. Innocence. Babies. Motherless. Attention. Beat. Abuse. Unseen. Fatherless. Example. Unsure. Dayloo. Auntie Bev. Bro. Morris. Keisha. Nursing. Lucy? Caryon. WHY? Overflowing. My mind is overflowing. I went on a missions trip to Jamaica, we were there for 10 days. It was amazing. One of the biggest things I learned, about myself, is that God has to break me to use me. I hate this about myself, but it is oh so true. I work better if I am broken. Going into the AIDS Hospice center, broke me. Going to the boys home and knowing Dayloo had a broken rib, and nobody even cared to fix it...that broke me. People constantly coming up asking for money, that broke me. Knowing that the girls from the girls home cry themselves to sleep at night...alone...broke me. Kids coming up to where we stayed begging for food, broke me. Seeing adult men sucking their thumbs or carrying around pacifers, broke me. My tender heart and love for people broke me. But...I have never been broken in such a peaceful way. I've never been broken and had it feel so...right. Broken in the best way. This is more than empathy, this is a desire to help. This is a fire in my soul, I want to help these people. I want to love them, I want them to see Jesus through me. Sadly, I probably will not ever see any of these people again....but I can pray for them. God...thank you for breaking me. Don't mend this one God..I want to stay broken for lost nations, for lost people....for lost people that live on my street...not just lost people that live thousands of miles away. Break me God, or I'm useless.