I dont know why i feel this way. i cant pinpoint it. i dont even know how i feel. i've went through this before. crying for no reason. taking the smallest things the wrong way and making something huge out of them. feeling stressed for no reason. wanting to just be alone. but this time...i dont want to be alone. the only time i dont feel this way is when im with ryan and his family. i feel 'right' being there. being where i am i feel out of place..i know my family talks about me behind my back....agh..idk....im jus whining. im gonna go. i need to pray. ryan brought up a good point. i cant carry things on my own.....img gonna go hang out with Jesus....

Holy Presence

Holy Presence Chorus: Surround me holy presence As I stand here unashamed Rain on me Holy Spirit As I glorify your name Verse 1) Make every breath That leaves my lips Be unto you An incense of praise Chorus Surround me holy presence As I stand her unashamed Rain on me Holy Spirit As I glorify your name Verse 2) I’ll raise my hands To worship you I’ll fall down on my face I’ll do whatever it takes To bring to you my praise Chorus Surround me holy presence As I stand here unashamed Rain down on me holy presence As I glorify your name so yea...i dont really write 'songs'...but i wrote one for ryan...and this is it...i dont like it too much..but w/e..he said he likes it and yea....thats all i've got..

I fell in love today...

I went and saw my 5 month old nephew tonight. I love babies so much. I love how God created us all to start out at such a dependant state when we were born. I love how looking into a babies eyes you can see eternity. I love how we act stupid to make babies laugh...and in the moment....we dont care what it takes to see that priceless smile. I love how pictures captivate seconds in time. I love how babies make such a differance. I love how Landon turned my day around. He's only 5 months old, and looking into his big blue eyes and falling deeply in love with his smile and being melted by his laugh...my day went from holding my breath scared of what was going to come next to holding my breath because i didnt want to miss a beat. God is good. he is creative when it comes to babies and the way they are. i think he knew what he was doing today. yea. he did. we serve a mighty God.

Excuse me, while i clean up this mess

I was thinking the other day. Yes, imagine that, me, thinking. HA! Okay, I'm not going to lie. It does happen quite often. Espically here lately. I have been having a lot of weird dreams here lately. Dreams that not only get my attention but dreams that stop me dead in my tracks. Dreams that cause me to wake up praying to God that my family will one day be saved. Dreams that allow me to catch a glimpse of the spiritual battle I am up against daily. These dreams lead to visions. Durring the day flashbacks of the dreams. I often find myself in a terrified state. Praying and praying and praying that God will protect me. And everytime, he does. He reminds me that I have victory in Jesus name! He reminds me that I am fighting a battle that is already won....i've read the book, I know how this will end!! My life came with a manual that I tend to read daily. And without that manual, I honestly would not be here today. I could go into my life story and tell you how God has saved me, in more than one way...but I really don't feel like typing it all out. But to shorten it, God has gotten me through divorce (a couple of them), addictions, self abuse, high school...the list goes on and on...and God is still fighting for me!!! So back to the part where I was thinking the other day (if you read this very often, you will know that I am a scatter-brained person, and I like for my thoughts to be portrayed in my journal the same way that are in my mind....its sort-of makes me who I am)..So I was thinking the other day. In the past couple weeks I have done things that I simply shouldn't have done. I have taken conversations where they shouldn't go. I have taken actions that I shouldn't have even thought of. Now I know that God has forgiven me...I've spent a lot of time on my face in tears, begging to be forgiven, to be made worthy again...and his word says that we are forgiven, and his word never fails..so yea, I know that I am forgiven. But here is the thought. The things that I have been doing hurt God. His heart breaks over ME! Me!! He cares so much about me, and without thinking I let him down. Sadly, this happens daily. When I enter judgement day, will I really be ready for my verdict? Will I be ready to hear every word that has came out of my mouth? Will I be able to watch every act that I've taken against God? And as if that thought alone doesnt bring that nasty lump into my throat...the fact that God is watching me....every move I make, every breath I take...he is watching...and waiting to see what I will do next...waiting to see how I will handle the next situation....waiting...just waiting for me to call on him when I need help...and more often than not, I call somebody from my cell phone, or I call my grandma...or I call Ryan....but I don't call on the one who holds me in his hands, even when I mess things up in the biggest way. He holds me. He loves me. He forgives. He watches. He waits. Ya know, I love my God. I do. With all my heart. But here is the thought that I have been dancing around through-out this entire entry. 1.) God watches me. He loves me. He holds me. He cares. He is my Daddy. 2.) In a day, how many of my actions or thoughts do not reflect Christ in me? 3.) My God given gift, my talent, is writing. Why is so much of my writing self-centered? Why does some of my writing make people question where I am at in my faith? That is a small dose of my heavy heart tonight. I want to be pleasing unto God. I want him to smile when he thinks of me. I want to lead a Holy life that is honorable to my Jesus. Excuse me, while I clean up this mess that I have created out of my selfishness.

Pardon me, while I screw things up a bit...

Pardon me, I never meant to hurt you. What I thought was caring, You took as pain, When I thought I was helping, You talked behind my back. I'm hurt, But I'll get over it I always do. Please understand, That I'm here if you need me. I'll set myself up to get hurt again, For you. This time though, I'll keep my mouth shut. I won't tell secrets. In fact, I won't say what I think at all. That's when you hurt the most, When the truth hits you in the face. A punch in the face, A stab in the back... So many people effected by.... The truth.

where am i falling short? why does it still hurt? why cant i get this right? how am i so far behind?

Break Me, or I'm Useless. . .

I wish words would come to me as easily as they once did. Not very often do I get the chance to sit and journal all my thoughts. I have come to the conclusion, that maybe this isn't due to a lack of time, but due to way to many thoughts that words cannot be drawn for. I have recently sat with a pen in my hand, and in trying to find the perfect words to lay out what was on my mind, I found myself writing random words. No sentece formats, no commas in the correct places, nothing formal about it. It was then that I realized that I truly am scatter-brained, and that for my own good, I need to force myself to start writing again. So here goes. . .this is my heart at full speed, I'm not holding back this time. Jamiaca. Missions. Life. Love. Heartache. Why? Change. ...... Confusion. Mistakes. Sleeplessness. Selfishness. Shy? Denominations... Ryan. Marriage. Graduating. Stupidity. Self Worth. Brendon. Screaming. Crying. Kicking. Unfair. Divorce. Dating. Missing. Greg? Why. When? Not Good Enough. AIDS. Kids. Alone. Hunger. Pain. Bullies. Trying. Heartbreak. Heartache. Lost. Dying. Crying. Tears. Faith. Prayer. Family. Broken. Starving. Deprived. Innocence. Babies. Motherless. Attention. Beat. Abuse. Unseen. Fatherless. Example. Unsure. Dayloo. Auntie Bev. Bro. Morris. Keisha. Nursing. Lucy? Caryon. WHY? Overflowing. My mind is overflowing. I went on a missions trip to Jamaica, we were there for 10 days. It was amazing. One of the biggest things I learned, about myself, is that God has to break me to use me. I hate this about myself, but it is oh so true. I work better if I am broken. Going into the AIDS Hospice center, broke me. Going to the boys home and knowing Dayloo had a broken rib, and nobody even cared to fix it...that broke me. People constantly coming up asking for money, that broke me. Knowing that the girls from the girls home cry themselves to sleep at night...alone...broke me. Kids coming up to where we stayed begging for food, broke me. Seeing adult men sucking their thumbs or carrying around pacifers, broke me. My tender heart and love for people broke me. But...I have never been broken in such a peaceful way. I've never been broken and had it feel so...right. Broken in the best way. This is more than empathy, this is a desire to help. This is a fire in my soul, I want to help these people. I want to love them, I want them to see Jesus through me. Sadly, I probably will not ever see any of these people again....but I can pray for them. God...thank you for breaking me. Don't mend this one God..I want to stay broken for lost nations, for lost people....for lost people that live on my street...not just lost people that live thousands of miles away. Break me God, or I'm useless.

My Jesus...

I grip the whip With sweaty hands And permit the bit To belt you back I turn my head And curse your name Then I ask them Whose to blame? A perfect lamb born to die am i the reason you gave your life? My sins condemed you but with love you died im sorry i hurt you my jesus, you saved my life

My Inner Child Came Out To Play...

I shared a very long awaited trip to park with my little brother today. He is 2 years old, what an amazing age. Before the park...I explained to him how Jesus is in his heart. I don't even recall how this conversation came into play, but this is how it went.... "Sissy....Jesus got hurt on the cross...where did he go?" "He's in your heart buddy"...lifting his shirt....he starts crying, "I dont see him sissy" Now I haven't the slightest clue how I came up with this upcoming explanation..but I must admit that I was proud of myself. I placed his hand over my heart...so he could feel my heart beat. Then I placed his hand on his own heart, so he could feel his heart beat. "brendon, do you feel that? what is your heart saying?" "I feel it sissy...(starting to lose interest)...my heart says...buh bum buh bum..." "That's jesus!" I told him. He looked at me, and without skipping a beat...he was like..."is jesus trying to get out?" Holding back laughter, I thought I would try a differant approach....I let him feel my heart beat again, asked him what my heart was saying....he replied "buh bum...buh bum..buh bum..." I told him, "Brendon, thats Jesus saying...I-love-you-mandy (i said it in the rythem of a heart beat)....and i put his hand back on his heart...and whispered to him "i-love-you-bren-don".... now you may have a pre-concieved idea that children are children, that they dont understand God or spirituality...allow me to be the first to share with you that in the past 2 years, Brendon has taught me more than any over-knowledged pastor or theologian could.... Brendon blew off my little Bible lesson with the earlier discussed trip to the park. he ran off to get his shoes, and we soon began on our adventure to the "green park" as he would call it....although the only thing green at the park is the grass...haha.... The last time he was at the park he had to go home early for telling the kids that it was his park and they all had to leave...he was being a little bully..i couldnt believe it..i'd never seen him act that way...but on the way there..i reminded him the rules of playing nicely, and making wise decisions. low and behold, we get to the park and after playing for about an hour..these two little snobby girls come down to the park. they pushed him away from the slide he'd been playing on, and they just stood there (mind you, these girls are ages 5 and 7)...he looked at me and said nothing...but his eyes were screaming..."what do i do sissy?"...i just let him go..to see how he would handle it after the talk we had on the way there....before i tell you what happend, i will admit that at the age 17, i would never have the guts to do what my 2 year old brother did. ....He stood there 3ft tall, and tapped on the little girls shoulder. she politely turned around and just looked at him....he put his hand on his heart and said..."Jesus is in my heart, and he says I love you" the girls left the park...but i couldnt believe that after they pushed him away from what he was doing...he just walks up and like its second nature....tells them about Jesus..and in the simplist way....i learned today that i complicate religion. while talking to people, i dance around the fact that jesus lives in my heart...and that my sins nailed him on the cross...and that he died for me...what happend to simple, "jesus died for my sins so i can go to heaven" christianity? i long for a child like spirit...God...give me whatever it is brendon has...give me a heart like that...

Familiar grounds

Why am i even hurting? nothing is wrong, nothing that i could point out at least.... i often scream this question aloud to...God...assuming that he hears me..assuming that he will in deed return my questions with an answer, but as i wait day after day..i hear nothing...and i find myself on familiar grounds...crying for no reason. and for me...tears dont just fall. there is a process. first, i convince myself that it is okay to show weakness for a few moments...then, as though tears would pierce through my heart...i have to let the first tear fall..and it always hurts. why does it hurt, you ask yourself? hmm..that, my friend, is a good question..one i would like to know the answer to. possibly because after the first falling puddle, hundreds pour down my burdened face like rain that has waited to long to fall...my heart is like a land suffering drout, and i have learned recently, that when it rains, it pours...but to complete the process of crying...after letting the first tear inch its way to the ground, another follows, as though gravity is forcing this liquid from my eyes...and until i gain composure, gravity tortures me...forcing the tears to fall quickly, lightly...and oh so painfully. this familiar ground is a place i like to be, for some reason. although my heart aches when i cry...the after effect is amazing. the feeling of 10,000 lbs. being lifted off my shoulders...who would have thought that tears could weigh so much? 10,000 lbs....hmm...i wonder what God was thinking when he created our ability to cry...is it suppose to hurt? should it really resemble weakness?? did he create it to be looked down on??? i am now at a loss for words...but my shoulders feel lighter...i just discovered that writing about crying is as effective as actually doing it...maybe its the words that weigh so much..and not the tears....

A cardinal flying aimlessly, somewhere into the forbidden sky, bids me my final chance, once again to say goodbye. I stand here in this forgien land With my hands out by my sides I hold my breath and say it I finally say good night The misty air is reigning and the birds now sing no more i fall down out of terror hitting the earthy floor a bellow of the angry clouds sings in harmony with the rain never in my life have i seen such living pain I close my eyes to fake it reality seems surreal cant escape it this time without a fighting will a strike of lighting flashes as i wake up in my room

Why?

From the depths of my heart i cannot put into words what i am feeling tonight. broken doesnt even come close to the shape of my soul....needing maybe...but its so much more than that...guilty could sum up a mix of emotions...but still...it doesnt fully describe what im feeling. Thursday a sophomore at my high school took a curb to fast and ended up in critical condition. i prayed so many prayers and cried so many tears over his soul. i spent so much time worrying and wondering what would happen, how this would all end. my entire school met at the flagpole at the end of the day friday to send up a prayer for him and his family....because at the time the doctors basicly said there was no hope,that if he lived he would be brain dead for the rest of his life, this information came after an emergency brain surgery. the atmosphere of the school friday afternoon was heavy, lonely, missing something. friday quickly turned into saturday and good news came. he was breathing on his own! wow...god really heard our prayers....then at 1 saturday night sunday morning one of my best friends called me to inform me that he was gone. his unsaved soul has slipped away...and my unwillingness to share God with people is now eating away at me. why didnt i share?? why do i take so many people for granted? why? why did God give him those last few breaths of life...and then take him...? as weird as it sounds i know this is Gods will. i dont know how i know that, i dont even understand it..i just know. and even though im hurting more than words or tears can express...i want to help people get through this. i want to be a shoulder to cry on....i think i need that....i need God to use me in this...i need to know that i helped someone. i dont even know....somehow im finding the strenght to hold on to Jesus..maybe its because he is all i have that is promised to be here tomorrow....i was talking to my great grandma..."granny.." and she said something that will always be etched in my heart....she said..."live for today...pray for tomorrw"....hmmm....good idea...isnt it....pray for me..this family..and my school...pray for the unsaved in your school or work or wherever you are....and dont take anything for granted....

Awestruck

my heart is on the tip of my tounge. my thoughts dance around the words that should be used to describe my feelings tonight. we had a special youth group thing tonight and there were like four different churches there. to hear well over 300 youth singing together praises to the same God...to see that many hands lifted for the soul purpose of being in love w/ Jesus. remember the other day i had said i was tired of denominations? tonight, that barrier was broken, 4 denominations met together and there was nothing holding any of us down. we all worshipped together and prayed...there were no strings attached...we are all just a bunch of youth madly in love with Jesus all trying to make it in this world that is against us in every way. for the first time tonight my heart was at ease, i can hear God calling me to something big...something huge..something my mind cannot even fathom. for the first time tonight in a long time i just surrendered my heart. if you didnt know it today was See You At The Pole (high school students pray at their schools flagpole)...well, listening to others pray, a friend of mine was praying and she used a phrase that will forever remain etched in my heart, She said "God, just break us. break us so that we fall back into your arms. break us so that we NEED you God. break us so we need to feel that love. break us and then mend us God." yea, thats my prayer, along w/ reality i needed to face. sadly, god has to break us sometimes, because we get too caught up in whatever. tonight was amazing. this morning at the flagpole was amazing. God has surrounded me with so much that i take for granted. God has been echoing the word "simplicity" in my heart. think about it. simplicity, we make things so difficult sometimes. if we would add simplicity to situations, things could turn out so differently....if would simplfy religion...people would understand more and not be turned away...anyways im rambling, but i thought this would be a good place to pour my heart out....thank you jesus...i am so back in love with you again

i thought i would get on here and pour out the depths of my renewed heart once again. here lately my thoughts are depressing. thats not the real me shining through....i know in my mind that everything always works out for the better....sometimes it just takes longer than others. Sunday morning at church everyone kept asking me if i was alright....getting annoyed by the question i kept answering, "yes, i'm fine."...i got to thinking about it and the thought crossed my mind.."maybe im not fine..." i had decieved myself....convinced myself that im alright...what had happend was...i was starting to let go of God. why? i dont know. but all that matters is that he caught me falling, once again...and he grabbed my attention....i know satan is working on me hardcore...last night i was doing my devotionals and journling what i read. here lately that has seemed like a chore, but last night was just really good. while journaling, my pen just quit working....that just set me off...i dont know why but i just fell on my face and started crying....and praying....outloud just declaring that Jesus is in control...i told Satan that there is NO battle here because the battle has already been won....after i got done praying i started writing and my pen worked. the whole situation was symbolic in a sense....Satan didnt want me reading my bible or writing about it...ironicly enough my pen quit working....i prayed...and my pen worked....idk...sorry if that doesnt make sense to you. to me it just goes to prove that there is more of a spiritual world than what we are comfortable with believing.

Calstumi (youth group) was awesome tonight! we talked about "truth"....its a good topic...theres more to it than what pops into your mind...anyway..i just thought i would get on here and share with you another day in my amazing life. i had chinese food for dinner..thats always a good thing...it was delicious! yay for chinese food!...man, something thats been bothering me lately is that sometimes i can write and it will sound really good...and then there are times when regardless how hard i try...it sounds like crap...its like here lately its been crappy. maybe its because im tired..and between school, homework, and work its hard to make time for "writing"..idk...but anyway. it was cool to hang out with patsy again...its weird only seeing her once a week so when i do get to see her...i enjoy the time with her more..hmmm....i think thats it for tonight...the cat scan came back fine..they dont know why im in pain...owell..i'll be fine...goodnight

wow..im pretty tired tonight! i've been doing my devo's here lately! im excited..like its a habbit to dig into God's word now. yesterday was really depressing day..i was for no reason upset about everything....but today has gone better. have to have a cat scan in the morning to find out whats wrong with my kidney. they dont know yet, they dont think its stones anymore....if you read this just be praying...oh yea, i leave for new york on December 23!! soooo excited!!...thnx for reading...

sometimes i wonder why in the world i keep fighting. here lately the thought has been racing through my mind about how easy it would be to just quit everything...stop the christian religion stuff...stop being good..stop everyting that comes to mind. but something stops me from stopping...i want to be strong...i really do..i just cant seem to always find the strength. i find my self wondering what is stopping me...and i know its God...i just cant figure out why he's stopping me...i know he loves me and all that but i cant stand to love myself at times...yet he still keeps me close to him...i dont get it. on top of that im getting so tired of denominations in christianity...CANT I JUST BE A CHRISTIAN??? cant i just love God...and follow his word? why am i so tied down by doctrines and (some) churches....the only church i feel free at is my youth group. there are no strings attached...we are just madly in love with Jesus. it seems that other churches i have gone to in the past are tied down by memorized prayers (more like chants in my opinion)...feelings...who is who within the church...im just tired of it. it makes me sick to think about. i know that satan is at work in my life hardcore right now...i know that satan is controlling some of my thoughts...actions..words...and im tired of it too...i want everything to be in God's hands again...i need it to be that way...i want to surrender this fight...and just give it to God...im tired of fighting.i. need a break...

battlefield...

School has started and for the most part has kicked into full gear. its not too bad this year. theres one thing...one thing that truly kills my heart. to see so many lost people the same building. to see how artificial smiles people are wearing. i see the pain in the eyes of the unexpected. and i can feel the pain of the lives that everyone knows about. my life, suddenly rushes to the end of the list of importance and i find myself praying for nameless faces, people i dont even know. i like it though. to find myself praying, as if it is a habbit, something i dont realize im doing...but even through praying for them...i still hurt for them. why cant i feel my own pain anymore? i find it easier to deal with everybody elses pain than my own. is that a good or bad thing? i'll let you decide. my school, alike many other schools, is a spiritual battlefield. at times its like i can almost hear satan laughing at "his fools"...i can just imagine the delight on his face every time someone curses, or gets drunk...has sex, pops pills, slits their wrist, fights, smokes...this is exactly where satan wants our schools today. and as i feel like i can see the delight of satan, i can feel the pain of Jesus...i wipe his tears from my face daily...as i know what eterenity holds for these people...and it scares me...i know..so why dont i help? we need a revolution!! im not kidding. a revolution of people that will stand up and scream from the top of their lungs that Jesus is life, that everything of the world is just that..of the world..and when we all leave here..it will still be that..of the world...i dont know...its easy for me to say this...why cant i just start a revolution?...for some reason that is how we think...im not going to do it..surely somebody else will...yea...lets just sit and wait and see what happens..or not...im tired of sitting on the sidelines of the battlefield...im going in full force~

Earlier this summer i went on a missions trip to ny i. last night all of us on the trip went to church for the evening service to talk about the trip some. the service was just for us and two other groups to share what has happend this summer. one of the groups happend to be the Beikert (sp?) family...they went to germany and france for a month at the begining of the summer. the family consists of three kids and their parents. they used their vacation as more of a missions trip. they sang at churches, i think their dad may have preached a few times...anyway they all got up and shared. and then they had a video that they showed us...watching them on their trip brought tears to my eyes. hearing all of their talents blend together, and then to realize that they are a family. to see them all love God together, and to see them love each other. i dont know. i have a family life very different from that. and it sometimes kills parts of me to watch other families...knowing that i will never have that. im glad that some kids get to expierance having a whole family...but gelousy seems to kick in uncontrolably..and i would do anything to take their place. i would give the world to go back and time and have my parents still together..to know what its like to go through these "teen years"...having my mom and dad beside each other to help me through..i dont understand why God works this way...why some people grow up in "perfect" homes..and then there are some that have to work hard for their faith.. if you are reading this and your family is still together...then im asking you to realize how lucky you are...and begging you not to take it for advantage...sorry if i offended anyone...my heart is just at wits end...i get tired of living this way sometimes... wow..i feel better since i got a chance to vent ....

I took a walk around midnight several nights ago. It was nice outside, the air was crisp and cool. The walk was refreshing, something I had needed for a while. I saw beauty that had been long awaiting my attention. The cool breeze against my face was soothing, all the night had to offer. The warm pavement beneath my bare feet was calming, all that remained from the hot summers day. The quietness that was offered by the time of night was well needed. A good time for me to clear my thoughts, to reflect on things that have happend this summer, and better yet i focused on things to come. I'm going back to New York! I got a chance to let that really soak in and inhabbit an area of my heart. I'm actually goint to spend Christmas with a family that hardly even knows me!! And not only do i want to be there, but i am wanted there! I can't wait. i'm soo giddy about it..but anyways..my point in this post was to say that i had a really good walk the other night :)