Pardon me, while I screw things up a bit...

Pardon me, I never meant to hurt you. What I thought was caring, You took as pain, When I thought I was helping, You talked behind my back. I'm hurt, But I'll get over it I always do. Please understand, That I'm here if you need me. I'll set myself up to get hurt again, For you. This time though, I'll keep my mouth shut. I won't tell secrets. In fact, I won't say what I think at all. That's when you hurt the most, When the truth hits you in the face. A punch in the face, A stab in the back... So many people effected by.... The truth.

where am i falling short? why does it still hurt? why cant i get this right? how am i so far behind?

Break Me, or I'm Useless. . .

I wish words would come to me as easily as they once did. Not very often do I get the chance to sit and journal all my thoughts. I have come to the conclusion, that maybe this isn't due to a lack of time, but due to way to many thoughts that words cannot be drawn for. I have recently sat with a pen in my hand, and in trying to find the perfect words to lay out what was on my mind, I found myself writing random words. No sentece formats, no commas in the correct places, nothing formal about it. It was then that I realized that I truly am scatter-brained, and that for my own good, I need to force myself to start writing again. So here goes. . .this is my heart at full speed, I'm not holding back this time. Jamiaca. Missions. Life. Love. Heartache. Why? Change. ...... Confusion. Mistakes. Sleeplessness. Selfishness. Shy? Denominations... Ryan. Marriage. Graduating. Stupidity. Self Worth. Brendon. Screaming. Crying. Kicking. Unfair. Divorce. Dating. Missing. Greg? Why. When? Not Good Enough. AIDS. Kids. Alone. Hunger. Pain. Bullies. Trying. Heartbreak. Heartache. Lost. Dying. Crying. Tears. Faith. Prayer. Family. Broken. Starving. Deprived. Innocence. Babies. Motherless. Attention. Beat. Abuse. Unseen. Fatherless. Example. Unsure. Dayloo. Auntie Bev. Bro. Morris. Keisha. Nursing. Lucy? Caryon. WHY? Overflowing. My mind is overflowing. I went on a missions trip to Jamaica, we were there for 10 days. It was amazing. One of the biggest things I learned, about myself, is that God has to break me to use me. I hate this about myself, but it is oh so true. I work better if I am broken. Going into the AIDS Hospice center, broke me. Going to the boys home and knowing Dayloo had a broken rib, and nobody even cared to fix it...that broke me. People constantly coming up asking for money, that broke me. Knowing that the girls from the girls home cry themselves to sleep at night...alone...broke me. Kids coming up to where we stayed begging for food, broke me. Seeing adult men sucking their thumbs or carrying around pacifers, broke me. My tender heart and love for people broke me. But...I have never been broken in such a peaceful way. I've never been broken and had it feel so...right. Broken in the best way. This is more than empathy, this is a desire to help. This is a fire in my soul, I want to help these people. I want to love them, I want them to see Jesus through me. Sadly, I probably will not ever see any of these people again....but I can pray for them. God...thank you for breaking me. Don't mend this one God..I want to stay broken for lost nations, for lost people....for lost people that live on my street...not just lost people that live thousands of miles away. Break me God, or I'm useless.

My Jesus...

I grip the whip With sweaty hands And permit the bit To belt you back I turn my head And curse your name Then I ask them Whose to blame? A perfect lamb born to die am i the reason you gave your life? My sins condemed you but with love you died im sorry i hurt you my jesus, you saved my life

My Inner Child Came Out To Play...

I shared a very long awaited trip to park with my little brother today. He is 2 years old, what an amazing age. Before the park...I explained to him how Jesus is in his heart. I don't even recall how this conversation came into play, but this is how it went.... "Sissy....Jesus got hurt on the cross...where did he go?" "He's in your heart buddy"...lifting his shirt....he starts crying, "I dont see him sissy" Now I haven't the slightest clue how I came up with this upcoming explanation..but I must admit that I was proud of myself. I placed his hand over my heart...so he could feel my heart beat. Then I placed his hand on his own heart, so he could feel his heart beat. "brendon, do you feel that? what is your heart saying?" "I feel it sissy...(starting to lose interest)...my heart says...buh bum buh bum..." "That's jesus!" I told him. He looked at me, and without skipping a beat...he was like..."is jesus trying to get out?" Holding back laughter, I thought I would try a differant approach....I let him feel my heart beat again, asked him what my heart was saying....he replied "buh bum...buh bum..buh bum..." I told him, "Brendon, thats Jesus saying...I-love-you-mandy (i said it in the rythem of a heart beat)....and i put his hand back on his heart...and whispered to him "i-love-you-bren-don".... now you may have a pre-concieved idea that children are children, that they dont understand God or spirituality...allow me to be the first to share with you that in the past 2 years, Brendon has taught me more than any over-knowledged pastor or theologian could.... Brendon blew off my little Bible lesson with the earlier discussed trip to the park. he ran off to get his shoes, and we soon began on our adventure to the "green park" as he would call it....although the only thing green at the park is the grass...haha.... The last time he was at the park he had to go home early for telling the kids that it was his park and they all had to leave...he was being a little bully..i couldnt believe it..i'd never seen him act that way...but on the way there..i reminded him the rules of playing nicely, and making wise decisions. low and behold, we get to the park and after playing for about an hour..these two little snobby girls come down to the park. they pushed him away from the slide he'd been playing on, and they just stood there (mind you, these girls are ages 5 and 7)...he looked at me and said nothing...but his eyes were screaming..."what do i do sissy?"...i just let him go..to see how he would handle it after the talk we had on the way there....before i tell you what happend, i will admit that at the age 17, i would never have the guts to do what my 2 year old brother did. ....He stood there 3ft tall, and tapped on the little girls shoulder. she politely turned around and just looked at him....he put his hand on his heart and said..."Jesus is in my heart, and he says I love you" the girls left the park...but i couldnt believe that after they pushed him away from what he was doing...he just walks up and like its second nature....tells them about Jesus..and in the simplist way....i learned today that i complicate religion. while talking to people, i dance around the fact that jesus lives in my heart...and that my sins nailed him on the cross...and that he died for me...what happend to simple, "jesus died for my sins so i can go to heaven" christianity? i long for a child like spirit...God...give me whatever it is brendon has...give me a heart like that...

Familiar grounds

Why am i even hurting? nothing is wrong, nothing that i could point out at least.... i often scream this question aloud to...God...assuming that he hears me..assuming that he will in deed return my questions with an answer, but as i wait day after day..i hear nothing...and i find myself on familiar grounds...crying for no reason. and for me...tears dont just fall. there is a process. first, i convince myself that it is okay to show weakness for a few moments...then, as though tears would pierce through my heart...i have to let the first tear fall..and it always hurts. why does it hurt, you ask yourself? hmm..that, my friend, is a good question..one i would like to know the answer to. possibly because after the first falling puddle, hundreds pour down my burdened face like rain that has waited to long to fall...my heart is like a land suffering drout, and i have learned recently, that when it rains, it pours...but to complete the process of crying...after letting the first tear inch its way to the ground, another follows, as though gravity is forcing this liquid from my eyes...and until i gain composure, gravity tortures me...forcing the tears to fall quickly, lightly...and oh so painfully. this familiar ground is a place i like to be, for some reason. although my heart aches when i cry...the after effect is amazing. the feeling of 10,000 lbs. being lifted off my shoulders...who would have thought that tears could weigh so much? 10,000 lbs....hmm...i wonder what God was thinking when he created our ability to cry...is it suppose to hurt? should it really resemble weakness?? did he create it to be looked down on??? i am now at a loss for words...but my shoulders feel lighter...i just discovered that writing about crying is as effective as actually doing it...maybe its the words that weigh so much..and not the tears....

A cardinal flying aimlessly, somewhere into the forbidden sky, bids me my final chance, once again to say goodbye. I stand here in this forgien land With my hands out by my sides I hold my breath and say it I finally say good night The misty air is reigning and the birds now sing no more i fall down out of terror hitting the earthy floor a bellow of the angry clouds sings in harmony with the rain never in my life have i seen such living pain I close my eyes to fake it reality seems surreal cant escape it this time without a fighting will a strike of lighting flashes as i wake up in my room

Why?

From the depths of my heart i cannot put into words what i am feeling tonight. broken doesnt even come close to the shape of my soul....needing maybe...but its so much more than that...guilty could sum up a mix of emotions...but still...it doesnt fully describe what im feeling. Thursday a sophomore at my high school took a curb to fast and ended up in critical condition. i prayed so many prayers and cried so many tears over his soul. i spent so much time worrying and wondering what would happen, how this would all end. my entire school met at the flagpole at the end of the day friday to send up a prayer for him and his family....because at the time the doctors basicly said there was no hope,that if he lived he would be brain dead for the rest of his life, this information came after an emergency brain surgery. the atmosphere of the school friday afternoon was heavy, lonely, missing something. friday quickly turned into saturday and good news came. he was breathing on his own! wow...god really heard our prayers....then at 1 saturday night sunday morning one of my best friends called me to inform me that he was gone. his unsaved soul has slipped away...and my unwillingness to share God with people is now eating away at me. why didnt i share?? why do i take so many people for granted? why? why did God give him those last few breaths of life...and then take him...? as weird as it sounds i know this is Gods will. i dont know how i know that, i dont even understand it..i just know. and even though im hurting more than words or tears can express...i want to help people get through this. i want to be a shoulder to cry on....i think i need that....i need God to use me in this...i need to know that i helped someone. i dont even know....somehow im finding the strenght to hold on to Jesus..maybe its because he is all i have that is promised to be here tomorrow....i was talking to my great grandma..."granny.." and she said something that will always be etched in my heart....she said..."live for today...pray for tomorrw"....hmmm....good idea...isnt it....pray for me..this family..and my school...pray for the unsaved in your school or work or wherever you are....and dont take anything for granted....

Awestruck

my heart is on the tip of my tounge. my thoughts dance around the words that should be used to describe my feelings tonight. we had a special youth group thing tonight and there were like four different churches there. to hear well over 300 youth singing together praises to the same God...to see that many hands lifted for the soul purpose of being in love w/ Jesus. remember the other day i had said i was tired of denominations? tonight, that barrier was broken, 4 denominations met together and there was nothing holding any of us down. we all worshipped together and prayed...there were no strings attached...we are all just a bunch of youth madly in love with Jesus all trying to make it in this world that is against us in every way. for the first time tonight my heart was at ease, i can hear God calling me to something big...something huge..something my mind cannot even fathom. for the first time tonight in a long time i just surrendered my heart. if you didnt know it today was See You At The Pole (high school students pray at their schools flagpole)...well, listening to others pray, a friend of mine was praying and she used a phrase that will forever remain etched in my heart, She said "God, just break us. break us so that we fall back into your arms. break us so that we NEED you God. break us so we need to feel that love. break us and then mend us God." yea, thats my prayer, along w/ reality i needed to face. sadly, god has to break us sometimes, because we get too caught up in whatever. tonight was amazing. this morning at the flagpole was amazing. God has surrounded me with so much that i take for granted. God has been echoing the word "simplicity" in my heart. think about it. simplicity, we make things so difficult sometimes. if we would add simplicity to situations, things could turn out so differently....if would simplfy religion...people would understand more and not be turned away...anyways im rambling, but i thought this would be a good place to pour my heart out....thank you jesus...i am so back in love with you again

i thought i would get on here and pour out the depths of my renewed heart once again. here lately my thoughts are depressing. thats not the real me shining through....i know in my mind that everything always works out for the better....sometimes it just takes longer than others. Sunday morning at church everyone kept asking me if i was alright....getting annoyed by the question i kept answering, "yes, i'm fine."...i got to thinking about it and the thought crossed my mind.."maybe im not fine..." i had decieved myself....convinced myself that im alright...what had happend was...i was starting to let go of God. why? i dont know. but all that matters is that he caught me falling, once again...and he grabbed my attention....i know satan is working on me hardcore...last night i was doing my devotionals and journling what i read. here lately that has seemed like a chore, but last night was just really good. while journaling, my pen just quit working....that just set me off...i dont know why but i just fell on my face and started crying....and praying....outloud just declaring that Jesus is in control...i told Satan that there is NO battle here because the battle has already been won....after i got done praying i started writing and my pen worked. the whole situation was symbolic in a sense....Satan didnt want me reading my bible or writing about it...ironicly enough my pen quit working....i prayed...and my pen worked....idk...sorry if that doesnt make sense to you. to me it just goes to prove that there is more of a spiritual world than what we are comfortable with believing.

Calstumi (youth group) was awesome tonight! we talked about "truth"....its a good topic...theres more to it than what pops into your mind...anyway..i just thought i would get on here and share with you another day in my amazing life. i had chinese food for dinner..thats always a good thing...it was delicious! yay for chinese food!...man, something thats been bothering me lately is that sometimes i can write and it will sound really good...and then there are times when regardless how hard i try...it sounds like crap...its like here lately its been crappy. maybe its because im tired..and between school, homework, and work its hard to make time for "writing"..idk...but anyway. it was cool to hang out with patsy again...its weird only seeing her once a week so when i do get to see her...i enjoy the time with her more..hmmm....i think thats it for tonight...the cat scan came back fine..they dont know why im in pain...owell..i'll be fine...goodnight

wow..im pretty tired tonight! i've been doing my devo's here lately! im excited..like its a habbit to dig into God's word now. yesterday was really depressing day..i was for no reason upset about everything....but today has gone better. have to have a cat scan in the morning to find out whats wrong with my kidney. they dont know yet, they dont think its stones anymore....if you read this just be praying...oh yea, i leave for new york on December 23!! soooo excited!!...thnx for reading...

sometimes i wonder why in the world i keep fighting. here lately the thought has been racing through my mind about how easy it would be to just quit everything...stop the christian religion stuff...stop being good..stop everyting that comes to mind. but something stops me from stopping...i want to be strong...i really do..i just cant seem to always find the strength. i find my self wondering what is stopping me...and i know its God...i just cant figure out why he's stopping me...i know he loves me and all that but i cant stand to love myself at times...yet he still keeps me close to him...i dont get it. on top of that im getting so tired of denominations in christianity...CANT I JUST BE A CHRISTIAN??? cant i just love God...and follow his word? why am i so tied down by doctrines and (some) churches....the only church i feel free at is my youth group. there are no strings attached...we are just madly in love with Jesus. it seems that other churches i have gone to in the past are tied down by memorized prayers (more like chants in my opinion)...feelings...who is who within the church...im just tired of it. it makes me sick to think about. i know that satan is at work in my life hardcore right now...i know that satan is controlling some of my thoughts...actions..words...and im tired of it too...i want everything to be in God's hands again...i need it to be that way...i want to surrender this fight...and just give it to God...im tired of fighting.i. need a break...

battlefield...

School has started and for the most part has kicked into full gear. its not too bad this year. theres one thing...one thing that truly kills my heart. to see so many lost people the same building. to see how artificial smiles people are wearing. i see the pain in the eyes of the unexpected. and i can feel the pain of the lives that everyone knows about. my life, suddenly rushes to the end of the list of importance and i find myself praying for nameless faces, people i dont even know. i like it though. to find myself praying, as if it is a habbit, something i dont realize im doing...but even through praying for them...i still hurt for them. why cant i feel my own pain anymore? i find it easier to deal with everybody elses pain than my own. is that a good or bad thing? i'll let you decide. my school, alike many other schools, is a spiritual battlefield. at times its like i can almost hear satan laughing at "his fools"...i can just imagine the delight on his face every time someone curses, or gets drunk...has sex, pops pills, slits their wrist, fights, smokes...this is exactly where satan wants our schools today. and as i feel like i can see the delight of satan, i can feel the pain of Jesus...i wipe his tears from my face daily...as i know what eterenity holds for these people...and it scares me...i know..so why dont i help? we need a revolution!! im not kidding. a revolution of people that will stand up and scream from the top of their lungs that Jesus is life, that everything of the world is just that..of the world..and when we all leave here..it will still be that..of the world...i dont know...its easy for me to say this...why cant i just start a revolution?...for some reason that is how we think...im not going to do it..surely somebody else will...yea...lets just sit and wait and see what happens..or not...im tired of sitting on the sidelines of the battlefield...im going in full force~

Earlier this summer i went on a missions trip to ny i. last night all of us on the trip went to church for the evening service to talk about the trip some. the service was just for us and two other groups to share what has happend this summer. one of the groups happend to be the Beikert (sp?) family...they went to germany and france for a month at the begining of the summer. the family consists of three kids and their parents. they used their vacation as more of a missions trip. they sang at churches, i think their dad may have preached a few times...anyway they all got up and shared. and then they had a video that they showed us...watching them on their trip brought tears to my eyes. hearing all of their talents blend together, and then to realize that they are a family. to see them all love God together, and to see them love each other. i dont know. i have a family life very different from that. and it sometimes kills parts of me to watch other families...knowing that i will never have that. im glad that some kids get to expierance having a whole family...but gelousy seems to kick in uncontrolably..and i would do anything to take their place. i would give the world to go back and time and have my parents still together..to know what its like to go through these "teen years"...having my mom and dad beside each other to help me through..i dont understand why God works this way...why some people grow up in "perfect" homes..and then there are some that have to work hard for their faith.. if you are reading this and your family is still together...then im asking you to realize how lucky you are...and begging you not to take it for advantage...sorry if i offended anyone...my heart is just at wits end...i get tired of living this way sometimes... wow..i feel better since i got a chance to vent ....

I took a walk around midnight several nights ago. It was nice outside, the air was crisp and cool. The walk was refreshing, something I had needed for a while. I saw beauty that had been long awaiting my attention. The cool breeze against my face was soothing, all the night had to offer. The warm pavement beneath my bare feet was calming, all that remained from the hot summers day. The quietness that was offered by the time of night was well needed. A good time for me to clear my thoughts, to reflect on things that have happend this summer, and better yet i focused on things to come. I'm going back to New York! I got a chance to let that really soak in and inhabbit an area of my heart. I'm actually goint to spend Christmas with a family that hardly even knows me!! And not only do i want to be there, but i am wanted there! I can't wait. i'm soo giddy about it..but anyways..my point in this post was to say that i had a really good walk the other night :)

Untitled

Depression gets the best of him He's gotten in too deep Wrap your arms around your son And let him know he's not too weak Be the strength he needs As this world watches him fade Make his broken heart whole again As he falls to his knees to pray Divorce has torn her heart apart And only you can make it whole The pain she feels she tries to hide Deep within her soul Be the strength she needs As this world watches her fade Make her broken heart whole again As she falls to her knees to pray I am your humbled child Crying to you a prayer of tears Thank you God for being here Through all these broken years Be the strength I need As this world watches me fade Make my broken heart whole again As I fall to my knees to pray

i am drawn to places where there is hurt. my heart longs to be in the middle of conflict...where im not just sitting and watching but engaging in what is going on around me. I love the lost. I've been told im wrong for that, for loving people who dont have the slightest clue how much they are loved. i am soft hearted. i find myself crying sometimes just thinking of somebody that i know is going through a hard time...i often wonder why i am this way...my tender heartedness gets in the way sometimes...and yet there are times that i love being the way i am...i dont know..i know i am rambling this time...really quick...if you are reading this please leave a comment...

The long battle continues yet a day longer. Losing my strength, I keep fighting. I hear God’s trembling voice in my mind asking me, “If you don’t fight for me, then who will?” So for this I continue on. I look into the eyes of the enemies; hatred is consuming their very being. A flaming arrow is shot directly at my heart. A sudden sensation of agony takes over my body. I can’t move or even breathe. I look down to see that the arrow has gone directly into my chest. I wasn’t wearing my breastplate. I get up to continue fighting, the pain taking my every breath away. I look behind me to see to see a foreign object flying at me. Everything quickly flashes black, and I find myself lying on the ground. How much time has gone by? I open my eyes and the sun has gone down. The sound of the battle has seized. I sit up slowly, placing my hand on my head to find dried blood. I must not have been wearing my helmet. I look down at my chest to see half a broken arrow still there. I want badly to just give up, but again I hear God’s broken voice speaking to me, “You must keep fighting, I’m counting on you My Child.” I stand to find that the battle has not ended, just moved to another area. I begin to walk the journey to the new battle site when I look down and see that my foot is bleeding. I wasn’t wearing my boots. I wasn’t at all prepared for a battle like this. I sneak up on the enemy, and as I get close I pray a quick prayer, “God, I have no strength left, the pain I am in is more than I can handle. I have no reason other than you to keep fighting. You are my refuge and my strength. I give this battle to you, it’s too much for me to handle on my own.” I go into battle once again. I was more tired than before, and wanted nothing more than to just lay down my sword at the feet of Jesus and give up. But as I have already said, I felt as though I was in this battle for a reason. I turn my head this time to see another flaming arrow directed with exact precision at my heart. I quickly pull up my shield and am not harmed. I lift my eyes to see something else flying at my head, I duck, and the object misses me. Once again I am not harmed. I walk out of the battle this time with no new injuries. I find a safe place to sleep and I rest there for the remainder of the night. As I lay there awake unsure of the date or time, I allow my mind to reflect on the day. I pull out of my pocket a piece of paper and I just happened to have a pen too. This is what I wrote: Today was the longest day of my life. I shouldn’t even be alive after all the attacks I’ve seen and been a part of. I tried to fight a losing battle on my own. I found that there was a problem in the way I was fighting. It wasn’t that I was fighting a losing battle, but that I was fighting alone. I asked God to be my strength, I allowed him to move in and he provided for me the protection I needed. I truly was fighting a losing battle until I stopped fighting alone. Hey, that was really random but I just started typing and wa-la..i have written yet another short story..real quick.behind the story: The story is just portraying the fact that we enter a spiritual battle every day and aren’t prepared for it. I myself go into the battle every day…and don’t always let God help me. Sometimes we see attacks coming and do nothing to stop them. So yea…think about it and you’ll catch on…

man. i had to work tonight. it wasnt too bad, it just seems to take a lot out of me on Wed. nights. i hate missing Calstumi (youth group)...it just makes the week ahead seem longer. this is the second wed. i've had to work. my first thought towards working tonight was ..."why do i try when God doesnt even want me at youth group..."..haha..i laugh at myself sometimes...after thinking it over..i decided that its not about where God doesnt want me but about where he wants me. for some reason he wanted me at the west mansfield iga tonight. i hope i fulfilled my purpose there.