The wind was bitter that day, unpleasant and unwelcoming. As I stepped outside to start my car, the cold cut through my coat and I felt as though it were taking the breath from my lungs. I jog the seven or eight feet to my car from the back door of my house. I quickly slide the ice cold metal key into the ignition with trembling hands. My car, hesitantly starts. It is not fond of such temperatures either. I make my way back inside, wishing it were warmer than it was in the house. In a rush to leave on time, I plug my hair straightener in, and run upstairs to change from pajama's to clothes. Frustrated because the pants I wanted to wear weren't clean, I just throw on some jogging pants and a hoodie - appropriate for the way I felt that day, and for the weather. I fix my hair half heartedly and leave in a hurry, forgetting my lunch money on the table and not eating breakfast that had been made for me earlier that morning. As I pull out of my drive way I call the girl that I take to school most days. Frustrated because my cell phone didn't have much of a signal, I decide not to even bother calling. I hate having broken up conversations due to bad connection. I go through the school day, talking to friends and doing the same thing I do every day. After my long day at school, I head home, not even wanting to think about having to go to work. Doing dishes for four hours isn't exactly - fun. This is my attitude most days. God is teaching me though...that I am blessed beyond measure. Truly blessed. I am blessed to have a coat, to protect me from the cold. I am blessed to have a car, and a place to park it. I am blessed to have a house, that is well heated. I am blessed to have cosmetics and hair products. I am blessed to have enough clothes to have to decide what to wear. I am blessed to have lunch money. I am blessed to have breakfast made for me...after all..i'm 18 years old. I am blessed to have a cell phone. I am blessed to have a wonderful education. I am blessed to have people that I can call friends. I am blessed to have a place to call home. I am blessed to have a job! Somtimes it is easy to overlook little blessings. Thank you Jesus!!

Hungry

I feel sort of speechless tonight.... I want more of you Jesus Before I rise in the morning Let your praises fall off my lips And before I lie my head in the evening Let your glory fill my room Search me in my sleep Lord Jesus Purify my heart, And fill this hunger in my soul thats all i've got.

A Change of Pace...

It was Feb. 12, 2000. I remember it well, in fact, I will never forget it. Mom left us. She just, up and left... I have always struggled with Valentine's Day, because for me it was just a sad time of year, it was a reminder that mom left...seeing my Dad in tears year after year...it never had that spark to it that most people see... This year though, things are so different for me. My life is changing and I love it. For the first year in seven years, I didn't even remember that mom left. When I looked at the date yesterday, it felt like there was something...but I figured that I just forgot an insignificant birthday or something of the sort...it completely escaped my mind..until Dad mentioned it tonight. After it being brought into conversation, I went upstairs to sit in my room just to think...and I am so excited. For once in my life, I am looking forward. I am looking at what is to come. I am so busy looking at my future that I didn't even think to look at the past. I have been praying..many hours in fact, for many weeks...that God would completely set me free from all the pain that has resided in my heart for years...I've been praying that God would separate me from painful situations and memories. Sunday night Pastor Mike asked me to come up for prayer and God said that I AM SET FREE FROM EVERYTHING!! I am so thankful. I realized tonight that I really have forgiven Mom...it honestly doesn't hurt me anymore. I have let that go, and I'm not taking it back! I am getting ready to graduate, I am getting ready to get married and start a family! And I am free!!!! Praise God!!! I love Ryan. I love that I have something to look forward to now. I love that he is always on my mind, even if I'm not on his...i love him calling me in the morning...its good to wake up to his voice....I praise God that I have an amazing life ahead of me...and that what I have dealt with is my past...and I don't have to carry it around anymore.... This is a change of pace...which I believe will do the heart some good....

Snow brings out the child in me...

I open the door in the kitchen, and a cold breeze takes away my breath. I quickly regain my senses, and gently set my bare foot outside the door. As my foot touches the ground, I bring it back up, due to the fact that there is snow on the ground. My foot now stinging from the cold, I close the door and walk towards the dining room. I sit down at the computer, assuming that I will some how use that to entertain myself, and get my mind off of the cold, bitter weather. As I sit there, a feeling of guilt consumes me. I slightly want to argue with myself, "Mandy, what is your problem?"...but instead, I follow that little nudge inside of me to go again, and look outside. This time though, I'm a bit smarter. I slip on a pair of pajama pants over the ones I'm already wearing. I go into my Dad's bedroom and get a pair of his old tube socks, and pull them up over my doubled pajama pants legs. I run quickly upstairs and grab a hoodie, put it on, slip on my coat and my snow boots, and I again, open the kitchen door. This time, the cold breeze hits my face, but doesn't take my breath. I was ready this time. I walk out into the yard, and look at the unharmed snow. Snow that had not yet been tampered with, no animals had yet walked in it, no children had yet stopped their way through it, and I just took in the beauty that layed before me. The night before, the same yard had just been a mixture of dead grass and mud, the best that Ohio has to offer around here this time of year. And now, just hours later, I could stand in awe of beauty that only comes a few months out of the year. I stop day dreaming, and realize how foolish I must look. Standing there in the outfit I was wearing. But this train of thought some how led me back to childhood, and for a few moments, I didn't have a care in the world. Before I tell you exactly what I did, maybe you should go get a drink of water, or maybe make sure your sitting down. Are you ready...here it is... I ran out in the middle of my untampered yard, and I threw myself down and made a snow angel! Quite content with myself, I brush the snow off of my body, and go back inside. I get warmed up as a few hours pass by, and I decide to go outside and see how my little angel is doing.. But to my disappointment, she was gone. The wind had blown snow over her, and all that was left was where her head had once layed. I honestly felt...sad...as funny as that may sound to you. I think all of this just goes to prove that when we let the child in us come out to play for a short time, we want to stay there. I would love for my biggest problem to be that my snow angel disappeared. Isn't it good to know though, that no matter what we go through, no matter how hard the wind blows the snow across the yard, God has his angels around us, and they don't blow away, and they don't get covered up? Its good to stop and think about. I also love how God gives us these moments to just relax, and enjoy what he has given us. To think that he makes rain fall from the sky, and out of that same sky, unique snow flakes fall as well. He truly is an amazing God.....and I love when he uses his creation to bring out the child in me....

We sat on the couch in his living room. He was sitting up and I was laying out, my head on his lap. I spread my worn body out on the couch as he put his arm over my back. We layed there together, soaking in a few hours of reality tv...one of the many pleasures of todays society. Durring commercials we talked about the future, our kids, our home, briefly discussed finances, mentioned a few plans about the wedding...things of the sort. Looking back on this, just a few hours later, I almost have to hold laughter inside. Not a heartless laughter, not even a "haha" laughter. But a school girl laughter. Why? Haha...here comes. I love being in his embrace. He has no idea how much I love laying there with his arm around me. It gives me a sense of security, a sense of comfort, and a sense of "I'm right here Mandy..and I'm all yours". Although I know all of that...I need it. Sometimes it's nice to just sit, and let life pass by, and enjoy little things like that. If you are reading this...enjoy your loved ones...sit still long enough for them to embrace you..or maybe you should be the one embracing somebody. Chances are you have no idea what it means to them...I dont think Ryan has the slightest clue what it means to me...God keeps showing me to charish the little things...because its the little things that will stay with us forever. This sounded kinda fortune cookie-ish...but i really dont care. My life is good enough to make it sound that way right now..and I'm going to take advantage of that.

Choking on Words

I wish I could talk. I want to say it so bad, but not even the slightest sound will exit my mouth. The lump in my throat grows, as I sit there unsure of what I even want to say. Tears begin to fill up my eyes. My lack of words makes me angry. My emotions begin to run hay-wire. Then, as I would least expect, you put your arms around me. When I don't deserve it, you tell me that you're proud. You whisper into my ear that none of this is my fault. And it is at this time that the aching lump in my throat stops throbbing, the tears in my eyes moisten my face, and my knees begin to shake. Now as I lay here, trying to rest my worn body, one word rings endlessly in my mind. Freedom. As I inhale deeply, glad the day is through, this phrase puts my mind at ease. "He who the son sets free, is free indeed"

Lessons through tears

I found myself crying tonight. Crying alone. Crying ice cold tears that pierced through the silence of my room. I layed facedown on my bed, and started questioning God. Why is this happening to me, again? Why can't my family see what they are doing to me? Questions of the sort fell out of my mouth before they were processed through my mind. Before long, my words ceased, the tears quit falling, and I found myself listening. Being still. After a lot of thought, I realized that I wasn't sure why I was feeling the way that I did. I mean, yea, alot has been going on the past couple weeks, but I just felt like I was in a rut, and I couldnt climb out. The way I felt reminded me of when I was "depressed". I recognized it. Hmm..not going to happen again!! I started praying again...and somewhere between prayer, tears, and silence...God spoke to me. I so easily take my eyes off of him. It is so easy for me to sit and wallop in my own emotions. When emotions run hay-wire, so does our flesh! That is what God showed me tonight. When I let emotions, like tonight, over-run what my heart was saying, something is out of line. Example: I was talking to Ry and told him that I know I don't have to worry about money, i've been paying my tithes and I knew that God would be faithful. Before I went to bed tonight, God took care of my needs! Somebody gave me the exact amount that I needed, and told me not to pay them back. Now had I let my emotions get in the way of the person giving me that money, I would have denied their offer, because its "hard" for me to accept help from people. But, when pushing emotions aside, i knew that the money was from God, and that the person would be blessed in return *ry's mom taught me that...lol*...and i took the money thankfully. so tonight, i have been emotional, tired, humbled, and thankful! Our God is an Awesome God!! ***if your reading this feel free to comment ....if you dont have blogger you can still comment anonmyous...just type ur name in the comment so i know who you are*****

My Dearest Jessy

I only wish that you would somehow stumble upon this little letter that I'm writing. I wish you could see the tears running down my face as I type this. I wish I could tell you that I know. I wish you would care. I love you so much Jessy. I'm trying to help you, I'm trying to reach out. I want things to be the way they used to be. I want to go back to the days where we shared a bed room, when we lived under the same roof. When we were so close to each other, we could "talk with our eyes". I wish that life didn't take the turns on us that it has. I wish that when you looked in the mirror, you would see looking back at you what I see when I see you. I wish you wanted help. I wish you would stop lying. I wish I could tell you how long I've known, but I'd be ashamed to tell you how long its taken me to try to get you help. I wish that tomorrow wasn't Grandma's birthday, so I could talk to her about this. She is a prayer warrior, you know. Part of the reason I'm in church today... I wish you knew how much I truly love you Jessy. I wish you could see how much this is hurting me. But is all of this wishing for nothing? Do you want this to be the rest of your life? I'm calling out to you, God's tried calling out to you...it's up to you now Jessy. I hope you find this.

Love

1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, love is kind...." vs. 5...."it is not easily angered and it keeps no record of wrongs...." vs. 7 "it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres" vs. 8..."love never fails..." vs. 13..."and now these three are left...faith, hope, and love...and the greatest of these is love" thats all im going to say. just let this soak in. enjoy it. really think about what it is saying.

I took a walk to notice things that have long awaited my attention. I saw beauty in existance that escaped my mind. Caught up in the day to day....midnight was a time i had long forgotten. The dew stamped roses in the neighbors yard, the sly black alley cat the follows fools who walk at such a time. My senses go crazy...i have missed this. Childhood innocence escaped my adult-like mind, i have missed out on so much. its at midnight that the moon shines at its brightest, and on some lonely nights...it hides deep behind the clouds...leaving that feeling of "whats next" in the air. I take in a deep breath of fresh, midnight summer breeze. Good for the lungs. I swallow it, and close my eyes. I have made it around the block, and when i return, not a single light in my house is left on. I listen closely and can hear...nothing. I soak in the silence the night time has to offer. I feel as though these midnight walls are closing in on me, and my pillow is screaming my name. I whisper quietly, to the darkness..."Goodnight. We should meet again sometime." I carefully open the door, creep through the house, and climb underneathe my cool crisp sheets. I fall quickly to sleep...thankful for that midnight hour. so that was kinda randome cause i didnt take a walk at midnight....not recently nor when i was a child.....i just felt like a little creative writing would fit the mood tonight. hope you enoyed it.

Victory or Defeat???

there has been so much going on in my personal life lately. it can be hard to not let things get me down....but heres what God has been showing me....we choose our own victory or defeat. my family tends to choose to walk in defeat. they let things come against them.....and God is showing me that just because they are walking in defeat...doesnt mean that i have to!! im walking in victory.....sometimes it feels like most of my world is crashing down on me....and yea..i could walk around depressed and pitty-ing (i made that word up) myself...but im not going to...why..you ask? because.....people around me see whats going on.....and i want to glorify God even through trials....i want to glorify God in the good times and in the bad.....my boyfriends dad preached sunday night and he said something *i've heard him say this before...not jus at the pulpit*...he said God is the same God at the top and the bottom of the mountain....and God keeps giving me this line..maybe i'll put it in a poem someday....circumstances change..God doesnt. regardless of what comes against me.....my God wont change...and nothing will separate me from him. the word says that nothing can separate us from the love of God. it also says that no weapon formed against us shall prosper.....and it also says that we are more than conquerers..through him who loved us. so yea..i know im rambling..im very tired..but thats the shape of my heart tonight......i walk in sweet sweet victory...

Let us go also, so that.....

My heart is so.....burdened as i write this tonight. I wish people (at school in general) could see what im feeling. it is so hard to go into a place daily....looking into the eyes of the same people everyday....listening to the same stories every day......walk away from the same people every day....knowing that the life they are living is leading them to hell. my boyfriend and i have been talking alot about how churches pacify sin. yes...thats what i said....churches pacify it. is that okay?? NO!! the bible says that sin separates us from God. and theres a problem when you have alcoholics sitting in church..and gays....and people who are living in sin (please dont mis-interpert what i am trying to say....no...people shouldnt be turned away at the door because of their lifestyle....but when there are people who have been in church for years...or even months...and they know the way their living is wrong and their not changing it....something isnt right) what i am burdened with is the fact that i know somebody who changes lives. i know somebody who delivers people. i used to be one of the people walking down the hallway of my school. but somebody found me...somebody who cared enough about me to step on my toes...tell me that what i was doing was wrong.....somebody who prayed for me countless hours and nights....somebody who introduced me to Jesus in a way i had never known him *thank you ryan*.....i need to be to other people what ryan was to me. i believe that these are the end of times...i really do. i need to stop worrying about myself. who cares what people think? i keep saying that i want to be remembered when i leave high school. for some reason the worst thing for me would be to be forgotten after we graduate.....but god keeps asking me..."mandy....what do you want them to remember??"...and this is what i want people to remember when they think of me....i want them to remember not that i was a "good girl" but that i stood for something..that i believed in something....that there was a reason i didnt party on weekends or do whatever else....when people look back at my picture in the year book 10 years from now...i want them to remember that i am a christian....plain and simple. i was reading in John tonight and i found a verse that is really awesome!! and it kinda ties in with all this..maybe not but im going to put it here anyways....John 11:16.."Thomas said, "Let us go also, so that we may die with Jesus"...to briefly tell what was going on before thomas (a disciple) said this....a few days before this Jesus had healed the blind man..and the religious rulers didnt like it...so they kicked the man out of the synogouge and wanted to stone Jesus...Jesus left the town...and a few days later Lazurus died..so Jesus had to go back to the town where they were waiting to stone him.....the deciples were all like..."Jesus..you want to go back there? they want to kill you...."....and thomas spoke up and said...."let us go also, so that we may die with Jesus"...he had no idea what would happen...but he was willing to go to the extent of dying to follow Jesus....thats my heart right now.....im going to keep pressing forward...and if it meant dying for my Jesus.....i think that would be okay with me.....

I don't want to forget. I can't let what I learned slip my mind. I want my face to still be moist from the tears that I cried for people that I poured my heart out to. I want to close my eyes and still see those faces. I want to relax and allow my mind to go back to conversations that I carried. I never want to forget. I want to wake up and walk out to the ocean. I want to feel the way about americans that I did about Jamaicans. I want to get myself back into the "mode" where I pray for someone at the sight of them. To look into their eyes, and care enough to wonder what path they are walking. I want my mind-set in America to be what it was in Jamaica. I don't need to go across the country to help people. There are people sitting beside me right now that need help. I've been home for almost 3 months now, but I'm still a missionary. I still want to further God's kingdom. I don't want to be dry anymore.

I dont know why i feel this way. i cant pinpoint it. i dont even know how i feel. i've went through this before. crying for no reason. taking the smallest things the wrong way and making something huge out of them. feeling stressed for no reason. wanting to just be alone. but this time...i dont want to be alone. the only time i dont feel this way is when im with ryan and his family. i feel 'right' being there. being where i am i feel out of place..i know my family talks about me behind my back....agh..idk....im jus whining. im gonna go. i need to pray. ryan brought up a good point. i cant carry things on my own.....img gonna go hang out with Jesus....

Holy Presence

Holy Presence Chorus: Surround me holy presence As I stand here unashamed Rain on me Holy Spirit As I glorify your name Verse 1) Make every breath That leaves my lips Be unto you An incense of praise Chorus Surround me holy presence As I stand her unashamed Rain on me Holy Spirit As I glorify your name Verse 2) I’ll raise my hands To worship you I’ll fall down on my face I’ll do whatever it takes To bring to you my praise Chorus Surround me holy presence As I stand here unashamed Rain down on me holy presence As I glorify your name so yea...i dont really write 'songs'...but i wrote one for ryan...and this is it...i dont like it too much..but w/e..he said he likes it and yea....thats all i've got..

I fell in love today...

I went and saw my 5 month old nephew tonight. I love babies so much. I love how God created us all to start out at such a dependant state when we were born. I love how looking into a babies eyes you can see eternity. I love how we act stupid to make babies laugh...and in the moment....we dont care what it takes to see that priceless smile. I love how pictures captivate seconds in time. I love how babies make such a differance. I love how Landon turned my day around. He's only 5 months old, and looking into his big blue eyes and falling deeply in love with his smile and being melted by his laugh...my day went from holding my breath scared of what was going to come next to holding my breath because i didnt want to miss a beat. God is good. he is creative when it comes to babies and the way they are. i think he knew what he was doing today. yea. he did. we serve a mighty God.

Excuse me, while i clean up this mess

I was thinking the other day. Yes, imagine that, me, thinking. HA! Okay, I'm not going to lie. It does happen quite often. Espically here lately. I have been having a lot of weird dreams here lately. Dreams that not only get my attention but dreams that stop me dead in my tracks. Dreams that cause me to wake up praying to God that my family will one day be saved. Dreams that allow me to catch a glimpse of the spiritual battle I am up against daily. These dreams lead to visions. Durring the day flashbacks of the dreams. I often find myself in a terrified state. Praying and praying and praying that God will protect me. And everytime, he does. He reminds me that I have victory in Jesus name! He reminds me that I am fighting a battle that is already won....i've read the book, I know how this will end!! My life came with a manual that I tend to read daily. And without that manual, I honestly would not be here today. I could go into my life story and tell you how God has saved me, in more than one way...but I really don't feel like typing it all out. But to shorten it, God has gotten me through divorce (a couple of them), addictions, self abuse, high school...the list goes on and on...and God is still fighting for me!!! So back to the part where I was thinking the other day (if you read this very often, you will know that I am a scatter-brained person, and I like for my thoughts to be portrayed in my journal the same way that are in my mind....its sort-of makes me who I am)..So I was thinking the other day. In the past couple weeks I have done things that I simply shouldn't have done. I have taken conversations where they shouldn't go. I have taken actions that I shouldn't have even thought of. Now I know that God has forgiven me...I've spent a lot of time on my face in tears, begging to be forgiven, to be made worthy again...and his word says that we are forgiven, and his word never fails..so yea, I know that I am forgiven. But here is the thought. The things that I have been doing hurt God. His heart breaks over ME! Me!! He cares so much about me, and without thinking I let him down. Sadly, this happens daily. When I enter judgement day, will I really be ready for my verdict? Will I be ready to hear every word that has came out of my mouth? Will I be able to watch every act that I've taken against God? And as if that thought alone doesnt bring that nasty lump into my throat...the fact that God is watching me....every move I make, every breath I take...he is watching...and waiting to see what I will do next...waiting to see how I will handle the next situation....waiting...just waiting for me to call on him when I need help...and more often than not, I call somebody from my cell phone, or I call my grandma...or I call Ryan....but I don't call on the one who holds me in his hands, even when I mess things up in the biggest way. He holds me. He loves me. He forgives. He watches. He waits. Ya know, I love my God. I do. With all my heart. But here is the thought that I have been dancing around through-out this entire entry. 1.) God watches me. He loves me. He holds me. He cares. He is my Daddy. 2.) In a day, how many of my actions or thoughts do not reflect Christ in me? 3.) My God given gift, my talent, is writing. Why is so much of my writing self-centered? Why does some of my writing make people question where I am at in my faith? That is a small dose of my heavy heart tonight. I want to be pleasing unto God. I want him to smile when he thinks of me. I want to lead a Holy life that is honorable to my Jesus. Excuse me, while I clean up this mess that I have created out of my selfishness.

Pardon me, while I screw things up a bit...

Pardon me, I never meant to hurt you. What I thought was caring, You took as pain, When I thought I was helping, You talked behind my back. I'm hurt, But I'll get over it I always do. Please understand, That I'm here if you need me. I'll set myself up to get hurt again, For you. This time though, I'll keep my mouth shut. I won't tell secrets. In fact, I won't say what I think at all. That's when you hurt the most, When the truth hits you in the face. A punch in the face, A stab in the back... So many people effected by.... The truth.

where am i falling short? why does it still hurt? why cant i get this right? how am i so far behind?

Break Me, or I'm Useless. . .

I wish words would come to me as easily as they once did. Not very often do I get the chance to sit and journal all my thoughts. I have come to the conclusion, that maybe this isn't due to a lack of time, but due to way to many thoughts that words cannot be drawn for. I have recently sat with a pen in my hand, and in trying to find the perfect words to lay out what was on my mind, I found myself writing random words. No sentece formats, no commas in the correct places, nothing formal about it. It was then that I realized that I truly am scatter-brained, and that for my own good, I need to force myself to start writing again. So here goes. . .this is my heart at full speed, I'm not holding back this time. Jamiaca. Missions. Life. Love. Heartache. Why? Change. ...... Confusion. Mistakes. Sleeplessness. Selfishness. Shy? Denominations... Ryan. Marriage. Graduating. Stupidity. Self Worth. Brendon. Screaming. Crying. Kicking. Unfair. Divorce. Dating. Missing. Greg? Why. When? Not Good Enough. AIDS. Kids. Alone. Hunger. Pain. Bullies. Trying. Heartbreak. Heartache. Lost. Dying. Crying. Tears. Faith. Prayer. Family. Broken. Starving. Deprived. Innocence. Babies. Motherless. Attention. Beat. Abuse. Unseen. Fatherless. Example. Unsure. Dayloo. Auntie Bev. Bro. Morris. Keisha. Nursing. Lucy? Caryon. WHY? Overflowing. My mind is overflowing. I went on a missions trip to Jamaica, we were there for 10 days. It was amazing. One of the biggest things I learned, about myself, is that God has to break me to use me. I hate this about myself, but it is oh so true. I work better if I am broken. Going into the AIDS Hospice center, broke me. Going to the boys home and knowing Dayloo had a broken rib, and nobody even cared to fix it...that broke me. People constantly coming up asking for money, that broke me. Knowing that the girls from the girls home cry themselves to sleep at night...alone...broke me. Kids coming up to where we stayed begging for food, broke me. Seeing adult men sucking their thumbs or carrying around pacifers, broke me. My tender heart and love for people broke me. But...I have never been broken in such a peaceful way. I've never been broken and had it feel so...right. Broken in the best way. This is more than empathy, this is a desire to help. This is a fire in my soul, I want to help these people. I want to love them, I want them to see Jesus through me. Sadly, I probably will not ever see any of these people again....but I can pray for them. God...thank you for breaking me. Don't mend this one God..I want to stay broken for lost nations, for lost people....for lost people that live on my street...not just lost people that live thousands of miles away. Break me God, or I'm useless.