Lessons through tears

I found myself crying tonight. Crying alone. Crying ice cold tears that pierced through the silence of my room. I layed facedown on my bed, and started questioning God. Why is this happening to me, again? Why can't my family see what they are doing to me? Questions of the sort fell out of my mouth before they were processed through my mind. Before long, my words ceased, the tears quit falling, and I found myself listening. Being still. After a lot of thought, I realized that I wasn't sure why I was feeling the way that I did. I mean, yea, alot has been going on the past couple weeks, but I just felt like I was in a rut, and I couldnt climb out. The way I felt reminded me of when I was "depressed". I recognized it. Hmm..not going to happen again!! I started praying again...and somewhere between prayer, tears, and silence...God spoke to me. I so easily take my eyes off of him. It is so easy for me to sit and wallop in my own emotions. When emotions run hay-wire, so does our flesh! That is what God showed me tonight. When I let emotions, like tonight, over-run what my heart was saying, something is out of line. Example: I was talking to Ry and told him that I know I don't have to worry about money, i've been paying my tithes and I knew that God would be faithful. Before I went to bed tonight, God took care of my needs! Somebody gave me the exact amount that I needed, and told me not to pay them back. Now had I let my emotions get in the way of the person giving me that money, I would have denied their offer, because its "hard" for me to accept help from people. But, when pushing emotions aside, i knew that the money was from God, and that the person would be blessed in return *ry's mom taught me that...lol*...and i took the money thankfully. so tonight, i have been emotional, tired, humbled, and thankful! Our God is an Awesome God!! ***if your reading this feel free to comment ....if you dont have blogger you can still comment anonmyous...just type ur name in the comment so i know who you are*****

My Dearest Jessy

I only wish that you would somehow stumble upon this little letter that I'm writing. I wish you could see the tears running down my face as I type this. I wish I could tell you that I know. I wish you would care. I love you so much Jessy. I'm trying to help you, I'm trying to reach out. I want things to be the way they used to be. I want to go back to the days where we shared a bed room, when we lived under the same roof. When we were so close to each other, we could "talk with our eyes". I wish that life didn't take the turns on us that it has. I wish that when you looked in the mirror, you would see looking back at you what I see when I see you. I wish you wanted help. I wish you would stop lying. I wish I could tell you how long I've known, but I'd be ashamed to tell you how long its taken me to try to get you help. I wish that tomorrow wasn't Grandma's birthday, so I could talk to her about this. She is a prayer warrior, you know. Part of the reason I'm in church today... I wish you knew how much I truly love you Jessy. I wish you could see how much this is hurting me. But is all of this wishing for nothing? Do you want this to be the rest of your life? I'm calling out to you, God's tried calling out to you...it's up to you now Jessy. I hope you find this.